The new seven wonders of the world

Forget those mystical and triumphant structures that harken back to the days before modern machinery. The structures that mystify the mind and ask "how did they build that?"

This is 2007 (obviously some things get away from me as it's midway through 2008), folks, and while all that stonework is pretty to some to look at, why not freshen things up and take a look at the Seven Wonders of the World -- Version 2.0.

The Mall of America
Make it first on the list. It's one of Minnesota's pathetic claims to fame. Why? Because in American fashion, it's big. It dwarfs all other area malls and nearly all others in the country. Despite its total lack of entertainment venues and its 95% vacant fourth floor, it is popular because it is nearly a self-contained city with no fewer than half a dozen Bath and Body WOrks outlets. It even has its own police department precinct which is helpful due to the fact that those damn Bloomington hoodrats hang out there and stab each other over Sean John jeans.

Michael Jackson
The self-appointed king of pop music is a hero to a few even after his creepy lifestyle at his Neverland Ranch and his plasticization of his face, torso, legs, toes and feet. While most of us are glad to have seen him take his creepiness overseas, some of us wish he would come back se we can see his face melt as he waves to fans in the California sun from behind the protection of a surgical mask. All hail the plastic man!

Samuel L. Jackson
The guy is literally everywhere. I, for one, applaud his efforts to get those muthafuckin' snakes off this muthafuckin' plane last year. It's passion like that which should be an example for generations to come. I am against snakes on planes (and on other modes of mass transit) and I applaud Jackson's efforts to further the cause.

Paris Hilton
She is the most vapid personality to ever grace the cover of supermarket tabloids and pop-culture obsessed TV shows. The simple fact that she is famous for nothing more than being thin as a rail, devoid of any ass and lacks any sort of personality even when she is shitfaced drunk (an all-too-common occurance) speaks volumes about the state of the world today.

Rappers
Yes, I know that rap as a so-called "musical style" was born on the streets but the crap passing for rap these days doesn nothing more than elevate thugs and lowlife losers to celebrities that children worship as they buy "street gear" named after the likes of Slim Thug, Young Jeezy and Lil' Weezy. The fact remains, though, that these flashes in the pan manage to piss away millions as they entertain skeezy hos at their multi-million dollar mansions while they use Cristal to wash their cornrows. There must be something I'm missing because this crap is what's cool so tomorrow I'll be wearing jeans that only go as high as the bottom of my boxer shorts and have a gold chain the size of a log chain draped around my neck becaue I suddenly idolize these jackasses.

Damn, this list has been sitting on my desktop for about two years and I have only compiled five wondrous wonders. Give a guy a hand and toss out two more.