Plenty of viable and popular sports are recklessly omitted from the Olympic games and below is an extensive list of sports and competitions which need to be included in the next Olympic games.
Chicken
A two-person team competes against another two-person team in a swimming pool with one person in the water and the other on their teammate's shoulders, wrestling the competitor off of the other team's shoulders. The best of three bouts results in the winning team moving on to the next round of competition.
Dodgeball
It worked in a movie so why can't it work in the Olympics?
Kickball
This summertime sport is hugely popular in park and rec leagues across America so why can't it move on to the next level? It's far more accessible than non-sports like Dressage.
Trench
An aggressive sport pitting two teams against each other, dodging balls from the opposing team and working together to free their captured team members from the opposition's trench. A lot like dodgeball but with more of a battle lean to it.
Floor hockey
Again, a more accessible version of traditional ice hockey. To make it more interesting it could be played on asphalt to increase the rate of cuts, scrapes and abrasions.
Tag
It's self explanatory and it would bring a sense of childhood whimsy to the Olympics.
That's all I can think of for now but what Olympic games or sports would you include in Olympic competition if you had control? Would you add more extreme competitions or include some kick-ass playground favorites?
Showing posts with label list. Show all posts
Showing posts with label list. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
5 essential tips for Facebook users
Some people think that using Facebook is as easy as sharing whatever you feel like sharing but if you want to make an impact in the world of Facebook, pay attention to these five essential tips for Facebook users.
1.) Don't share everything. You'd think that Facebook users would understand that sharing everything is stupid but have a filter, people. It should be common sense to not share everything on Facebook but the world is full of stupid adults and teenagers and people fail to realize that all of those Facebook posts amount to a sort of digital diary that, if not properly "locked down", is publicly viewable and could build an inaccurate persona for potential employers if you are, in fact, employable. I don't care that you woke up in a stranger's bed last weekend. I don't want to know that you have a mysterious rash downstairs. Keep that crap to yourselves.
2.) Stop professing your love. Hey, I get it, you love your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/boss/significant other/cousin but you are turning the stomachs of the majority of your friends. Again, stop sharing everything. I don't care that you call your significant other your "smoochie pookie" or some other obnoxious nickname that makes me want to vomit in my shoes.
3.) Enough with the sharing of stupid photos. You know the type I'm talking about. The photos that used to arrive in your email inbox below a string of fifty or so forwards eagerly sent by your 68 year-old aunt from Tempe. Yes, Facebook may have made communication much faster and more seamless but in doing so it has replaced email to a certain extent and brought with all the annoying crap that no longer arrives in my email inbox. There is, of course, the sharing and re-sharing of stupid fucking photos and jpegs with quippy phrases that the sharer thinks are so damn funny but are really annoying, factually inaccurate, annoying or out and out racist. If you want to look stupid, continue sharing those photos someone jacked from thechive.com or the cheezburger network. That crap may be funny to you but it makes you look like an uneducated hillbilly to others.
4.) Stop tagging everyone in your photos. Again I get that Facebook is all about everyone being connected but if you snapped a photo of your bestie doing a kegstand don't tag your bestie in it. Your bestie may have a job where such activity may be frowned upon. How would you feel if being tagged in one of your friend's photos resulted in being called into your employer's human resources office? Just think twice, dummies.
5.) Enough with the games. Everyone loves to play games but stop posting your activity and scores. I hate unsubscribing to that garbage because I have actual important uses for Facebook but all of that time I spend unsubscribing from your damn game updates pisses away plenty of time in my day.
What do you think? Are there additional tips you'd care to share? Drop a note in the comments.
Bonus Tip.) Watch your spelling. If you don't know how to spell something consult dictionary.com. If you're too lazy for that try using Firefox as your browser. It has a live spellcheck feature so you won't come off as a 9th grade dropout on your Facebook status updates.
1.) Don't share everything. You'd think that Facebook users would understand that sharing everything is stupid but have a filter, people. It should be common sense to not share everything on Facebook but the world is full of stupid adults and teenagers and people fail to realize that all of those Facebook posts amount to a sort of digital diary that, if not properly "locked down", is publicly viewable and could build an inaccurate persona for potential employers if you are, in fact, employable. I don't care that you woke up in a stranger's bed last weekend. I don't want to know that you have a mysterious rash downstairs. Keep that crap to yourselves.
2.) Stop professing your love. Hey, I get it, you love your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/boss/significant other/cousin but you are turning the stomachs of the majority of your friends. Again, stop sharing everything. I don't care that you call your significant other your "smoochie pookie" or some other obnoxious nickname that makes me want to vomit in my shoes.
3.) Enough with the sharing of stupid photos. You know the type I'm talking about. The photos that used to arrive in your email inbox below a string of fifty or so forwards eagerly sent by your 68 year-old aunt from Tempe. Yes, Facebook may have made communication much faster and more seamless but in doing so it has replaced email to a certain extent and brought with all the annoying crap that no longer arrives in my email inbox. There is, of course, the sharing and re-sharing of stupid fucking photos and jpegs with quippy phrases that the sharer thinks are so damn funny but are really annoying, factually inaccurate, annoying or out and out racist. If you want to look stupid, continue sharing those photos someone jacked from thechive.com or the cheezburger network. That crap may be funny to you but it makes you look like an uneducated hillbilly to others.
4.) Stop tagging everyone in your photos. Again I get that Facebook is all about everyone being connected but if you snapped a photo of your bestie doing a kegstand don't tag your bestie in it. Your bestie may have a job where such activity may be frowned upon. How would you feel if being tagged in one of your friend's photos resulted in being called into your employer's human resources office? Just think twice, dummies.
5.) Enough with the games. Everyone loves to play games but stop posting your activity and scores. I hate unsubscribing to that garbage because I have actual important uses for Facebook but all of that time I spend unsubscribing from your damn game updates pisses away plenty of time in my day.
What do you think? Are there additional tips you'd care to share? Drop a note in the comments.
Bonus Tip.) Watch your spelling. If you don't know how to spell something consult dictionary.com. If you're too lazy for that try using Firefox as your browser. It has a live spellcheck feature so you won't come off as a 9th grade dropout on your Facebook status updates.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
3 things to remember when you get older
Every day we probably all think of things that we should remember down the road a stretch. But how many of us actually remember those bits of information for a later date? In lieu of taking actual notes, I though I'd put those wise bits of information right here for all to see.
You can never tell your children something too many times.
SUre, you're going to come off as a broken record when you tell them, for the twentieth time, that it's not safe to hitch a ride with a stranger unless they have a sharp knife or can of mace close at hand but beating some words of wisdom into a child's brain is better than finding out that they've spent four long months in the bottom of Buffalo Bill's well in his creepy sex dungeon. It's just common sense. Oh, and don't take candy from strangers.
Your kid(s) will have premarital sex.
You did it too so don't think you're better than everyone else. If you think that your teenager isn't already fooling around in their car, in the local cemetery, in a deserted barn or underneath the bleachers at their high school's football field you are fooling yourself. Talk to your kid about sex. Yeah, it's gonna be hella awkward and you'll probably find yourself alluding to bumble bees or bananas but it sure beats that excruciating weekend you had back in 11th grade when you waited for your girlfriend's Aunt Flow to come-a-knocking.
It's never too early to think about your own death.
Get a plan together. Your own death is nothing fun to plan for and yes, you have to pay even to die but it's part of the circle of life (or death in this case) so at least have a list of who gets what. I know that everyone in your family will be fighting over the rights to take home that killer collector plate that says you did in fact tackle the biggest burger in the west and won.
You can never tell your children something too many times.
SUre, you're going to come off as a broken record when you tell them, for the twentieth time, that it's not safe to hitch a ride with a stranger unless they have a sharp knife or can of mace close at hand but beating some words of wisdom into a child's brain is better than finding out that they've spent four long months in the bottom of Buffalo Bill's well in his creepy sex dungeon. It's just common sense. Oh, and don't take candy from strangers.
Your kid(s) will have premarital sex.
You did it too so don't think you're better than everyone else. If you think that your teenager isn't already fooling around in their car, in the local cemetery, in a deserted barn or underneath the bleachers at their high school's football field you are fooling yourself. Talk to your kid about sex. Yeah, it's gonna be hella awkward and you'll probably find yourself alluding to bumble bees or bananas but it sure beats that excruciating weekend you had back in 11th grade when you waited for your girlfriend's Aunt Flow to come-a-knocking.
It's never too early to think about your own death.
Get a plan together. Your own death is nothing fun to plan for and yes, you have to pay even to die but it's part of the circle of life (or death in this case) so at least have a list of who gets what. I know that everyone in your family will be fighting over the rights to take home that killer collector plate that says you did in fact tackle the biggest burger in the west and won.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Keys to being a Minnesotan
Immigrants to Minnesota say that it's hard to adapt, that us native Minnesotans are closed off and cliquish. While that may be true, in my 31-plus years as a native Minnesotan I've noticed certain things that will make you stick out like a sore thumb so below are some tips on how to fit in to the Minnesota culture.
Know how to pronounce Wayzata and Edina. (Why-zet-uh and E-dine-uh) I've haeard both radio and TV personalities virtually slaughter these two lofty Minneapolis suburbs. As for the suburbs of St. Paul, they are so basic and forgettable that nobody cares so let's move along.
Know something about our cultural icons. For instance, Minneapolis used to have an NBA team (don't confuse the Minnesota Timberwolves with being of NBA caliber). The Minneapolis Lakers were a damn good team but moved to the greener (?) pastures of Los Angeles where people actually venture outdoors during the winter months and professional-quality basketball arenas abound.
Don't forget, too, about legends such as Paul Bunyan. He was a steel driving man who, as legend has it, stood eight feet tall and had a toenail on his penis. Legend also has it that his back was the first mode of transport across the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. Important man indeed.
Minnesota also has true, honest to God winters but they aren't nearly as bad as people would have you believe. In all seriousness, buy a pair of gloves and a warm winter jacket. Feel free to invest in a stocking cap and remember to keep your tires inflated. Lastly, don't walk out to get your mail barefoot in the middle of January. That will not end well and you could very well end up stuck to your ice-covered sidewalk for all of the neighborhood to laugh at... and we WILL laugh.
Buy a boat. In a state whose population is nearly 5 million there are just over 3 million registered boats so if you don't have a boat in your driveway people will know you're not one of us. If you can't afford a Glastron or Alumacraft, save up your milk jugs and cartons and build your own boat. Hey, if it floats, it's a boat. Right? If it doesn't float you could still enter it in a milk carton boat race. It seems like most every town with a lake in Minnesota sponsors a milk carton boat race during their cutesy little annual summer festival.
Finally you should learn to love hot dish (or as some refer to it, casserole). Church festivals and neighborhood gatherings will require you to bring a dish to pass and hot dish is viewed as an alternate form of currency in Minnesota. Tater Tot hot dish is always a classic but if you're in desperate need of a recipe, ask your neighbor. Chances are that any millde-aged Minnesotan has a shoebox full of hot dish recipes lying around that they'd be more than eager to share and recommend their favorite to you.
With the basics down, you're one step closer to fitting in. Just don't piss us off because while we'll just brush it off, after you leave we'll bad talk you until the day you die because Minnesota nice is just a myth.
Know how to pronounce Wayzata and Edina. (Why-zet-uh and E-dine-uh) I've haeard both radio and TV personalities virtually slaughter these two lofty Minneapolis suburbs. As for the suburbs of St. Paul, they are so basic and forgettable that nobody cares so let's move along.
Know something about our cultural icons. For instance, Minneapolis used to have an NBA team (don't confuse the Minnesota Timberwolves with being of NBA caliber). The Minneapolis Lakers were a damn good team but moved to the greener (?) pastures of Los Angeles where people actually venture outdoors during the winter months and professional-quality basketball arenas abound.
Don't forget, too, about legends such as Paul Bunyan. He was a steel driving man who, as legend has it, stood eight feet tall and had a toenail on his penis. Legend also has it that his back was the first mode of transport across the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. Important man indeed.
Minnesota also has true, honest to God winters but they aren't nearly as bad as people would have you believe. In all seriousness, buy a pair of gloves and a warm winter jacket. Feel free to invest in a stocking cap and remember to keep your tires inflated. Lastly, don't walk out to get your mail barefoot in the middle of January. That will not end well and you could very well end up stuck to your ice-covered sidewalk for all of the neighborhood to laugh at... and we WILL laugh.
Buy a boat. In a state whose population is nearly 5 million there are just over 3 million registered boats so if you don't have a boat in your driveway people will know you're not one of us. If you can't afford a Glastron or Alumacraft, save up your milk jugs and cartons and build your own boat. Hey, if it floats, it's a boat. Right? If it doesn't float you could still enter it in a milk carton boat race. It seems like most every town with a lake in Minnesota sponsors a milk carton boat race during their cutesy little annual summer festival.
Finally you should learn to love hot dish (or as some refer to it, casserole). Church festivals and neighborhood gatherings will require you to bring a dish to pass and hot dish is viewed as an alternate form of currency in Minnesota. Tater Tot hot dish is always a classic but if you're in desperate need of a recipe, ask your neighbor. Chances are that any millde-aged Minnesotan has a shoebox full of hot dish recipes lying around that they'd be more than eager to share and recommend their favorite to you.
With the basics down, you're one step closer to fitting in. Just don't piss us off because while we'll just brush it off, after you leave we'll bad talk you until the day you die because Minnesota nice is just a myth.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Four things to never talk about at work
We've all been part of that uncomfortable conversation at the office where someone is sharing waaaay too much about themselves. Maybe you've unknowingly been the one to overshare or maybe you've overheard one too many phone conversations mentioning things that, in your better judgment, would be taken care of in a more private setting.
1. Pregnancy.
Whether it's been your multi-year battle to create an offspring or the fact that you're going in next Thursday at 2 PM for your first ultrasound doesn't really matter much to my cold and uncaring soul. Hey, I've got nothing against kids as is evidenced by the fact that I have one of my own but that doesn't mean that I want to know each and every miniscule detail about your ovaries.
2. Hemorrhoids.
Let me first start off by saying that I can sympathize with the pain of hemorrhoids. I went as far as to blog about said hemorrhoids during my old lady's pregnancy. I called them sympathy hemorrhoids. I shared that story with the internet but not with my co-workers. Why? Because nobody needs to hear that damn story and that should be a reminder to anyone thinking about discussing their ass pain while at work.
3. Bankruptcy.
It's a bitch but these days someone having financial difficulties is more common than a huge sale at Kohl's. Nobody can help you and while your co-workers will sympathize with you or at least feign sympathy they'll go home and tell anyone who is listening just how financially irresponsible this particular co-worker is. So while it's always nice to have someone to share your financial shortfalls with, find a friend instead of a co-worker because offices have enough drama.
4. Divorce.
Divorce is common but it doesn't mean that it's as cool to talk about around the water cooler as the latest episode of "Who's The Boss?". Half of the people you know probably are divorced or will be divorced at some point and plenty of them are messy as hell but it isn't the kind of crap you should bring to work. Again, find a friend or a family member. Hell, find a stranger at a bar who'll listen to how much of an asshole your husband is/was. At least that discussion won't be taking place two cubicles down from you or me.
Now that we're done here, check out the photos form across Minnesota at MinnPics because now that summer's over what else is left to do?
1. Pregnancy.
Whether it's been your multi-year battle to create an offspring or the fact that you're going in next Thursday at 2 PM for your first ultrasound doesn't really matter much to my cold and uncaring soul. Hey, I've got nothing against kids as is evidenced by the fact that I have one of my own but that doesn't mean that I want to know each and every miniscule detail about your ovaries.
2. Hemorrhoids.
Let me first start off by saying that I can sympathize with the pain of hemorrhoids. I went as far as to blog about said hemorrhoids during my old lady's pregnancy. I called them sympathy hemorrhoids. I shared that story with the internet but not with my co-workers. Why? Because nobody needs to hear that damn story and that should be a reminder to anyone thinking about discussing their ass pain while at work.
3. Bankruptcy.
It's a bitch but these days someone having financial difficulties is more common than a huge sale at Kohl's. Nobody can help you and while your co-workers will sympathize with you or at least feign sympathy they'll go home and tell anyone who is listening just how financially irresponsible this particular co-worker is. So while it's always nice to have someone to share your financial shortfalls with, find a friend instead of a co-worker because offices have enough drama.
4. Divorce.
Divorce is common but it doesn't mean that it's as cool to talk about around the water cooler as the latest episode of "Who's The Boss?". Half of the people you know probably are divorced or will be divorced at some point and plenty of them are messy as hell but it isn't the kind of crap you should bring to work. Again, find a friend or a family member. Hell, find a stranger at a bar who'll listen to how much of an asshole your husband is/was. At least that discussion won't be taking place two cubicles down from you or me.
Now that we're done here, check out the photos form across Minnesota at MinnPics because now that summer's over what else is left to do?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Distracted driving: dangerous or not?
There is an epidemic in this country. People do alot of stupid crap while driving. This list is dangerous things to eat while driving.
Coffee
Hot soup
Tacos
Chili dogs
Hamburgers
Ribs and wings
Fried chicken
Jelly donuts
Soda
Chocolate
Out of that list, I've taken part in consuming tacos, hamburgers, fried chicken, jelly donuts, soda and chocolate while driving. I'm preplexed about why anyone would ever eat ribs and wings while driving. Coffee is fairly common but chili dogs are straight up messy and pose the risk of spilling the chili or dog in your lap. And eating some hot soup could be tragic if it was in a bowl but less tragic if it were in a cup.
Outside of eating/drinking while driving, there are other activities that I've done while driving that I probably shouldn't have done that could have caused some serious bodily harm to myself or others.
Changing my shirt on the freeway
Taking off jeans and putting on shorts
Changing my shoes
Endorsing checks
Getting to know a lady better (draw your own conclusion)
Undressing a passenger
Munching down some Arby's chicken fingers complete with BBQ sauce
Cleaning the inside of my windshield
Tucking in my shirt
I'm sure there are others but I'm curious what you worst moments were while driving. Have you ever started knitting a sweater or trimmed up your private bits?
MinnPics is a great habit. Althought I wouldn't check it out on your iPhone while driving.
Coffee
Hot soup
Tacos
Chili dogs
Hamburgers
Ribs and wings
Fried chicken
Jelly donuts
Soda
Chocolate
Out of that list, I've taken part in consuming tacos, hamburgers, fried chicken, jelly donuts, soda and chocolate while driving. I'm preplexed about why anyone would ever eat ribs and wings while driving. Coffee is fairly common but chili dogs are straight up messy and pose the risk of spilling the chili or dog in your lap. And eating some hot soup could be tragic if it was in a bowl but less tragic if it were in a cup.
Outside of eating/drinking while driving, there are other activities that I've done while driving that I probably shouldn't have done that could have caused some serious bodily harm to myself or others.
Changing my shirt on the freeway
Taking off jeans and putting on shorts
Changing my shoes
Endorsing checks
Getting to know a lady better (draw your own conclusion)
Undressing a passenger
Munching down some Arby's chicken fingers complete with BBQ sauce
Cleaning the inside of my windshield
Tucking in my shirt
I'm sure there are others but I'm curious what you worst moments were while driving. Have you ever started knitting a sweater or trimmed up your private bits?
MinnPics is a great habit. Althought I wouldn't check it out on your iPhone while driving.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Phrases to live by
It's probably not odd but for me, most of my best ideas are hatched in the bathroom or after midnight. Here are a few - try to figure out their birth place.
If you cut too many corners, you end up with a circle.
If you have time to do it wrong, you have time to do it right.
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
You look like a horse.
To make a good burger, don't overbeat your meat.
The customer is always right except when they're wrong.
The Desperate Housewives are nothing but drunks, sluts and murderers.
If a movie is on SciFi, it's just not that good.
Every neighborhood has a hillbilly and if you don't think so, you might be the hillbilly.
Are there more? Maybe. Should you check out MinnPics and bite your nails in anticipation of the big 1st birthday blowout during the first full week of July? Definitely!
If you cut too many corners, you end up with a circle.
If you have time to do it wrong, you have time to do it right.
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
You look like a horse.
To make a good burger, don't overbeat your meat.
The customer is always right except when they're wrong.
The Desperate Housewives are nothing but drunks, sluts and murderers.
If a movie is on SciFi, it's just not that good.
Every neighborhood has a hillbilly and if you don't think so, you might be the hillbilly.
Are there more? Maybe. Should you check out MinnPics and bite your nails in anticipation of the big 1st birthday blowout during the first full week of July? Definitely!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Things my imaginary intern can do for me
If only I had an intern. I would treat him or her exactly how I am treated. The following exchange features my simple request first with my reactions following.
Get my coffee.
Too much sugar. Not enough sugar. I HATE creamer. I hate COFFEE. Then I throw the hot coffee at the intern.
Pick up my dry cleaning.
I left TWO suits there. This one isn't mine. I don't even OWN a dress! I was screwing with you, I don't OWN a suit. Intern, you're a THIEF! Then I'd light the dress on fire and throw it at the intern.
Go get my lunch.
Mayo. You incompetent idiot! I am ALLERGIC to mayo. Are you trying to KILL ME?!? Then I'd throw the sandwich, open-face, at the intern.
Wash my car.
You SCRATCHED it. And I said NO hot wax. And only PINE TREE air fresheners. I roll old school. Ahhhhhhhh! Then I'd back my car over the intern.
Tell me how great I am.
More over the top. Are you STUPID? Make it believable. NEVER mention my shoes!!! Then I'd smile at the intern, I DO have a soul after all. But this would only make the intern run away, possibly while crying.
All this, and more I didn't mention, stemming from a mere 10-second conversation about business cards for an intern and how pointless such a move would be. And in case you didn't notice, I would treat my imaginary intern like crap - a lot like being in the real working world.
MinnPics is always new and has something kick-ass planned for the first full week of July for the first birthday.
Get my coffee.
Too much sugar. Not enough sugar. I HATE creamer. I hate COFFEE. Then I throw the hot coffee at the intern.
Pick up my dry cleaning.
I left TWO suits there. This one isn't mine. I don't even OWN a dress! I was screwing with you, I don't OWN a suit. Intern, you're a THIEF! Then I'd light the dress on fire and throw it at the intern.
Go get my lunch.
Mayo. You incompetent idiot! I am ALLERGIC to mayo. Are you trying to KILL ME?!? Then I'd throw the sandwich, open-face, at the intern.
Wash my car.
You SCRATCHED it. And I said NO hot wax. And only PINE TREE air fresheners. I roll old school. Ahhhhhhhh! Then I'd back my car over the intern.
Tell me how great I am.
More over the top. Are you STUPID? Make it believable. NEVER mention my shoes!!! Then I'd smile at the intern, I DO have a soul after all. But this would only make the intern run away, possibly while crying.
All this, and more I didn't mention, stemming from a mere 10-second conversation about business cards for an intern and how pointless such a move would be. And in case you didn't notice, I would treat my imaginary intern like crap - a lot like being in the real working world.
MinnPics is always new and has something kick-ass planned for the first full week of July for the first birthday.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Things you can't walk off
Walk it off. We've all heard this overly cliched phrase before and it usually relates to someone pissing and/or moaning about an injury that is minimal at best with "walk it off" being the ultimate solution to this person's bellyaching. However, there are some things you just can't get over by walking.
What are these things, though?
A severed leg.
That has to be the one non-life-ending injury that some cold, heartless bastard would mock and ridicule you for, yelling at you to "walk it off, bitch!" The nature of the injury, though, defies one to walk it off.
A steel-toed boot to the testicles.
As always, a swift kick to the nuts usually renders the kicked useless. Doubled over in pain, feeling like the testicles have been relocated to one's stomach, walking isn't usually an option.
A papercut to the tongue.
I found this out the other night as I paid the mortgage. First off, envelope glue tastes terrible. Secondly, I'd rather have a festering splinter in my finger than a papercut on my tongue. It really makes enjoying anything remotely tasty pure agony.
The long-suffering, middle child of mine needs your attention. MinnPics wants you to visit it and look at its gallery of hand-picked photos from across Minnesota as captured by Minnesota's best Flickrites.
What are these things, though?
A severed leg.
That has to be the one non-life-ending injury that some cold, heartless bastard would mock and ridicule you for, yelling at you to "walk it off, bitch!" The nature of the injury, though, defies one to walk it off.
A steel-toed boot to the testicles.
As always, a swift kick to the nuts usually renders the kicked useless. Doubled over in pain, feeling like the testicles have been relocated to one's stomach, walking isn't usually an option.
A papercut to the tongue.
I found this out the other night as I paid the mortgage. First off, envelope glue tastes terrible. Secondly, I'd rather have a festering splinter in my finger than a papercut on my tongue. It really makes enjoying anything remotely tasty pure agony.
The long-suffering, middle child of mine needs your attention. MinnPics wants you to visit it and look at its gallery of hand-picked photos from across Minnesota as captured by Minnesota's best Flickrites.
Friday, December 19, 2008
My Christmas list
Every year I grab a scrap of paper and jot down things, as they pop into my head, that would be of great use to me in the upcoming year. I call it my Christmas wish list and I usually divide it up between my parents and my old lady. This year was easier as I gave the whole shebang to my parents but that's a story for another day.
This year, though, I went ahead and still wrote up two Christmas lists. One for my parents and one for you, my readers.
Burger King Cologne
Damn right. I've always wanted to walk around all day smelling like a Double Whopper and a large order of french fries. Now I can, but only if you come through for me. I'd imagine that you could order it alongside a #1 Whopper Meal (which, coincidentally, will make you have to take a huge #2 later). Hell, it probably comes in a waxed paper container like their drinks do. Well, whatcha waiting for? See the Flash site. Buy the cologne. Hell yeah, the King is gonna get folks laid this Chirstmas!
Chanel Beef Jerky Purse
No, I havent' taken to cross dressing but who says that a guy can't carry a purse? I have alot of crap I carry around so why not a bag to carry all that crap in? Oh, and did I mention that if I get hungry I can eat the fucker? So many things we use have at least two purposes so why should a purse be excluded? Imagine the hungry homeless people following you as you tote your stuff around town in your beef jerky purse... yummy.
Gothic Kittens
They're dark. They're pierced. They're edgy. They're probably the subject of a humane society investigation but Gothic Kittens just sound intriguing. I'm not condoning the piercing of your kitty (well maybe... if you catch my drift) but goth definitely isn't out of style yet. Hell, I'm wearing a black sweater today so why not a pierced kitty? It's all about accessorizing.
Or you could skip getting me crappy gifts and head over to MinnPics and show some love to the great photos and their photographers.
This year, though, I went ahead and still wrote up two Christmas lists. One for my parents and one for you, my readers.
Burger King Cologne
Damn right. I've always wanted to walk around all day smelling like a Double Whopper and a large order of french fries. Now I can, but only if you come through for me. I'd imagine that you could order it alongside a #1 Whopper Meal (which, coincidentally, will make you have to take a huge #2 later). Hell, it probably comes in a waxed paper container like their drinks do. Well, whatcha waiting for? See the Flash site. Buy the cologne. Hell yeah, the King is gonna get folks laid this Chirstmas!
Chanel Beef Jerky Purse
No, I havent' taken to cross dressing but who says that a guy can't carry a purse? I have alot of crap I carry around so why not a bag to carry all that crap in? Oh, and did I mention that if I get hungry I can eat the fucker? So many things we use have at least two purposes so why should a purse be excluded? Imagine the hungry homeless people following you as you tote your stuff around town in your beef jerky purse... yummy.
Gothic Kittens
They're dark. They're pierced. They're edgy. They're probably the subject of a humane society investigation but Gothic Kittens just sound intriguing. I'm not condoning the piercing of your kitty (well maybe... if you catch my drift) but goth definitely isn't out of style yet. Hell, I'm wearing a black sweater today so why not a pierced kitty? It's all about accessorizing.
Or you could skip getting me crappy gifts and head over to MinnPics and show some love to the great photos and their photographers.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Lessons I have learned
Tonight as I cross the one week mark of fatherhood, I have lessons which I have learned that I shall share with my 23 million readers.
Green poop smells worse than the brown poop.
Green poop does leave stains.
Even a wood floor is cold at 3:25 AM.
A 6-day old will sleep in a bouncy seat at night so dad and mom can get a few shreds of shut eye.
In seeking new forms of caffeine, I've even considered drinking my wife's seemingly endless supply of dark roast coffee.
Shopping for groceries on five hours of sleep isn't fun — even if the store is Super Target.
Will there be more lessons? I am sure there will be. Do you, yeah you — the one reading this, have any valuable lessons to share?
MinnPics is nothing short of a lesson in great photography from around the state of Minnesota and with about a ten day backlog, there will be plenty of great photos there in the next month to calm your stressed out Christmas shopping nerves.
Green poop smells worse than the brown poop.
Green poop does leave stains.
Even a wood floor is cold at 3:25 AM.
A 6-day old will sleep in a bouncy seat at night so dad and mom can get a few shreds of shut eye.
In seeking new forms of caffeine, I've even considered drinking my wife's seemingly endless supply of dark roast coffee.
Shopping for groceries on five hours of sleep isn't fun — even if the store is Super Target.
Will there be more lessons? I am sure there will be. Do you, yeah you — the one reading this, have any valuable lessons to share?
MinnPics is nothing short of a lesson in great photography from around the state of Minnesota and with about a ten day backlog, there will be plenty of great photos there in the next month to calm your stressed out Christmas shopping nerves.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Just what is 'The List'?
The often referred to 'List' is, like all too many things, entirely in my own head. As I walk through life, I mentally catalog the experiences that get under my skin and I refuse to let go of. 'The List' is essentially my own petty grievances against businesses, organizations and people who have simply pissed me off to a severe enough degree that I will carry this particular grudge to my grave.
IHOP -
The new IHOP in Burnsville seemed a fitting place to dine one evening a month or four after it opened on County Road 42. The service, though, after an hour of not receiving our food and my then-girlfriend being told that she could not have fruit on her waffles due to the fact that "we don't have fruit" as she gazed longingly at a picture of, you guessed it, waffles drowning in strawberries, left something to be desired. I wrote them a letter about the experience and received no response and only a pathetic five-dollar discount on our shitty dining experience.
Arby's at Shakopee Southbridge -
It had been open for only a month when we stopped here on a Sunday afternoon. We waited in a line in the 'lobby' behind half a dozen customers for about ten minutes as the recently-hired manager struggled with only two employees who had obviously huffed six or seven cans of Krylon paint fumes from a Hefty garbage bag. After a school bus full of softball players arrived, we left angry and hungry only to drive four miles west to eat at the more established Arby's because sometimes you just want something so badly you have to have it.
Unmarried Redneck Neighbor -
He lives behind us, refuses to spray the bumper crop of dandelions or mow his shitty looking lawn which does nothing but pollute my semi-pristine lawn and lower property values for the entire neighborhood by way of his brown tarp covering the outdoor kennels which make him look even dumber than previously assumed. Factor in his four mutant-sized dogs who shit in my garden, dig in my lawn and destroy plants in the garden and flower beds and this mullet-sporting jackass is a prime candidate for 'The List'.
Wal-Mart
Not only have they single-handedly ruined America, they hire illegal aliens who can barely speak their native language and will never learn any shred of English, they bag items at the rate of three pieces per bag. That has been explained because 'the majority of the customers are weak'. They routinely shutter an older store only to move a few blocks away to a larger and new store where they once again received tax breaks to build this new store and hire more minimum wage jobs who end up leaching from the rest of us on public health care programs while I pay out the ass for health care because I supposedly make enough money to afford health care. Not to mention that in the new store which was recently expanded to a 'Super Center' that there are some 30-plus checkouts as well as eight self-checkouts. On numerous occassions, the self-checkouts along with two staffed checkouts are the only ones open during a busy Saturday afternoon. I refuse to let this place save a buck by scanning my own crap, I don't play that way.
Drama
No, not the type on television, I am speaking of unnecessary, hyped-up drama which seems to follow certain people everywhere they walk. Each and every time they open their mouth, drama ensues. They make even the most menial tasks and happenings into dramatic, events of epic proportions to the degree where each event could be a three-act play held on the grandest of stages.
No-Talent Hacks
You know the type. They think because they added a dot marking something to a project which you spent the better part of a day on that this is now their own masterpiece and claim credit for it. This is the type of person that has gotten where they are because they are dirty thiefs and excellent at manipulating their superiors, making them believe that the work being done is entirely their own and that said work is better than anything else. These are the people who deserve to have their heads kicked firmly against the curb in front of an adandoned apartment building.
Cub Foods
At one time this regional grocery store chain was a legitimate money-saving warehouse-type concept. Since that long ago time it has devolved into just another store. Sure, sometimes their advertised specials do add up to actual savings but shopping at Super Target or Rainbow Foods yeilds the same prices, if not lower -- not to mention the fact that the overall experience of the less cluttered environment at Rainbow and Target is heads and tails above that of any Cub Foods store I have ever entered. The mouth breathers that clog the aisles at the typical Cub Foods seem to be plants from a higher power sent to those very spots to test my patience; forcing me to grit my teeth as I restrain myself from literally strangling every last breath from their pathetic and useless bodies. Not that I actually would do that but the thought alone satisfies me.
Fundraising Phone Calls
Hey, just because I generously opened my barren wallet one time doesn't mean that I intend to do it again. Everyone, from churches to political parties to fire departments to girl scouts seem to be begging for cash from me. Well, I have a newsflash folks, I wholeheartedly oppose funding the political dreams of some boring white guy millionaire in a suit as he criss-crosses America making empty promises on his way to gaining an elected position where he can do the work of billionaire companies by giving them tax breaks and passing laws that favor them so Joe Stuffed Suit can line the pockets on his Dockers with crisp twenties.
Racists
The most recent addition to my list. Added mere days ago during a conversation I was dragged in to with a couple of my brother-in-laws that proved that some people would rather hold on to their racist upbringings than think that things can actually change. One of them was particularly stubborn and seemed to whole-heartedly believe that someone will assassinate the president-elect within six months. He went on to joke about a "coon hunt" being needed because there is one in the White House now. All of this, of course, coming from a guy who not only didn't vote but probably couldn't find the polling place. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it was his attempt at a joke but usually jokes have a humorous tone to them, his mullet-sporting self didn't seem too humorous.
For photographic enlightenment that is certified list-free, check out MinnPics. It's updated daily and it's photolicious because Minnesota rocks... especially when viewed through a lens.
IHOP -
The new IHOP in Burnsville seemed a fitting place to dine one evening a month or four after it opened on County Road 42. The service, though, after an hour of not receiving our food and my then-girlfriend being told that she could not have fruit on her waffles due to the fact that "we don't have fruit" as she gazed longingly at a picture of, you guessed it, waffles drowning in strawberries, left something to be desired. I wrote them a letter about the experience and received no response and only a pathetic five-dollar discount on our shitty dining experience.
Arby's at Shakopee Southbridge -
It had been open for only a month when we stopped here on a Sunday afternoon. We waited in a line in the 'lobby' behind half a dozen customers for about ten minutes as the recently-hired manager struggled with only two employees who had obviously huffed six or seven cans of Krylon paint fumes from a Hefty garbage bag. After a school bus full of softball players arrived, we left angry and hungry only to drive four miles west to eat at the more established Arby's because sometimes you just want something so badly you have to have it.
Unmarried Redneck Neighbor -
He lives behind us, refuses to spray the bumper crop of dandelions or mow his shitty looking lawn which does nothing but pollute my semi-pristine lawn and lower property values for the entire neighborhood by way of his brown tarp covering the outdoor kennels which make him look even dumber than previously assumed. Factor in his four mutant-sized dogs who shit in my garden, dig in my lawn and destroy plants in the garden and flower beds and this mullet-sporting jackass is a prime candidate for 'The List'.
Wal-Mart
Not only have they single-handedly ruined America, they hire illegal aliens who can barely speak their native language and will never learn any shred of English, they bag items at the rate of three pieces per bag. That has been explained because 'the majority of the customers are weak'. They routinely shutter an older store only to move a few blocks away to a larger and new store where they once again received tax breaks to build this new store and hire more minimum wage jobs who end up leaching from the rest of us on public health care programs while I pay out the ass for health care because I supposedly make enough money to afford health care. Not to mention that in the new store which was recently expanded to a 'Super Center' that there are some 30-plus checkouts as well as eight self-checkouts. On numerous occassions, the self-checkouts along with two staffed checkouts are the only ones open during a busy Saturday afternoon. I refuse to let this place save a buck by scanning my own crap, I don't play that way.
Drama
No, not the type on television, I am speaking of unnecessary, hyped-up drama which seems to follow certain people everywhere they walk. Each and every time they open their mouth, drama ensues. They make even the most menial tasks and happenings into dramatic, events of epic proportions to the degree where each event could be a three-act play held on the grandest of stages.
No-Talent Hacks
You know the type. They think because they added a dot marking something to a project which you spent the better part of a day on that this is now their own masterpiece and claim credit for it. This is the type of person that has gotten where they are because they are dirty thiefs and excellent at manipulating their superiors, making them believe that the work being done is entirely their own and that said work is better than anything else. These are the people who deserve to have their heads kicked firmly against the curb in front of an adandoned apartment building.
Cub Foods
At one time this regional grocery store chain was a legitimate money-saving warehouse-type concept. Since that long ago time it has devolved into just another store. Sure, sometimes their advertised specials do add up to actual savings but shopping at Super Target or Rainbow Foods yeilds the same prices, if not lower -- not to mention the fact that the overall experience of the less cluttered environment at Rainbow and Target is heads and tails above that of any Cub Foods store I have ever entered. The mouth breathers that clog the aisles at the typical Cub Foods seem to be plants from a higher power sent to those very spots to test my patience; forcing me to grit my teeth as I restrain myself from literally strangling every last breath from their pathetic and useless bodies. Not that I actually would do that but the thought alone satisfies me.
Fundraising Phone Calls
Hey, just because I generously opened my barren wallet one time doesn't mean that I intend to do it again. Everyone, from churches to political parties to fire departments to girl scouts seem to be begging for cash from me. Well, I have a newsflash folks, I wholeheartedly oppose funding the political dreams of some boring white guy millionaire in a suit as he criss-crosses America making empty promises on his way to gaining an elected position where he can do the work of billionaire companies by giving them tax breaks and passing laws that favor them so Joe Stuffed Suit can line the pockets on his Dockers with crisp twenties.
Racists
The most recent addition to my list. Added mere days ago during a conversation I was dragged in to with a couple of my brother-in-laws that proved that some people would rather hold on to their racist upbringings than think that things can actually change. One of them was particularly stubborn and seemed to whole-heartedly believe that someone will assassinate the president-elect within six months. He went on to joke about a "coon hunt" being needed because there is one in the White House now. All of this, of course, coming from a guy who not only didn't vote but probably couldn't find the polling place. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it was his attempt at a joke but usually jokes have a humorous tone to them, his mullet-sporting self didn't seem too humorous.
For photographic enlightenment that is certified list-free, check out MinnPics. It's updated daily and it's photolicious because Minnesota rocks... especially when viewed through a lens.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Reasons to vote
One last meaningful post before I plunge back in to the way things used to be and explore my burgeoning insanity.
We all know that tomorrow (Tuesday) is election day. The reasons to vote are plenty. There is the idea of change and how much change is desperately needed. A message of hope also rings true. There is the idea of voting for the candidate who claims to be a maverick. In other words, the reasons to vote and your choices of who to vote for are plenty. But the reasons don't stop there.
Grant a man his dying wish - vote McCain. Vote Obama and you can finally have a legitimate reason to bitch about "The Man". Vote McCain/Palin and you'll be voting pro-erection. Vote for McCain and keep the tradition of old white guys in suits alive. A vote for Obama keeps stadiums across the country filled to capacity.
If you're looking for general reasons just to spur yourself to vote, think about this. People like lines, instead of thinking that you're waiting to vote - think of it as waiting for a Nintendo Wii. Everyone likes to complain and if you don't vote, you really have no reason to complain. Voting is in fashion because everyone likes those "I Voted" stickers.
I could go on but I won't because with a button like this, words are pointless.
In all seriousness, get out and vote. If you don't know where to vote, type in your address here.
If you want to escape the final 2 days of election season, check out MinnPics as it's a politics-free zone from here on out.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
All about me, me, me
Because I'm a HUGE Miley Cyrus fan, I just want to find a way to incorporate the phrase "7 things I hate about you" in this but I'm afraid I won't. Instead, this little diddy comes at you compliments of Spleeness who tagged me wanting to know 7 things about me.
It only seems right because after posting here a few times a week for almost five years, the few who actually read this likely know little about me. That all changes right... now as I reveal 7 (count 'em) things about me.
1.) I am the proud owner of a pair of $12 shoes. I purchased them at Payless in May and yesterday I noticed that the innersole insert was nearly destroyed.
2.) I spent just under $1,000 last November on a new camera. Yes, I am that obsessed with technology and my last camera which cost $500 paid for itself with freelance work that made more than that amount.
3.) In November we will welcome (from what the magic jelly-squirting technician tells us) a little girl in to our home. My money is on her having dark, thick, curly hair.
4.) My work desk is nearly as messy as my home desk and has33 34 empty Coke cans on it, CDs scattered about, a broken mouse, batteries, stacks of paperwork and a large collection of books.
5.) I have been to church no more than four times during 2008.
6.) I could survive eating one meal consisting of nothing but tacos each day for weeks at a time.
7.) My favorite pizza topping -- meat.
And if you're visual, I will eventually post 7 of my very own photos at MinnPics (I'm all the way up to two) and continue to delve deep into the best photographers that Minnesota has to offer.
It only seems right because after posting here a few times a week for almost five years, the few who actually read this likely know little about me. That all changes right... now as I reveal 7 (count 'em) things about me.
1.) I am the proud owner of a pair of $12 shoes. I purchased them at Payless in May and yesterday I noticed that the innersole insert was nearly destroyed.
2.) I spent just under $1,000 last November on a new camera. Yes, I am that obsessed with technology and my last camera which cost $500 paid for itself with freelance work that made more than that amount.
3.) In November we will welcome (from what the magic jelly-squirting technician tells us) a little girl in to our home. My money is on her having dark, thick, curly hair.
4.) My work desk is nearly as messy as my home desk and has
5.) I have been to church no more than four times during 2008.
6.) I could survive eating one meal consisting of nothing but tacos each day for weeks at a time.
7.) My favorite pizza topping -- meat.
And if you're visual, I will eventually post 7 of my very own photos at MinnPics (I'm all the way up to two) and continue to delve deep into the best photographers that Minnesota has to offer.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
The new seven wonders of the world
Forget those mystical and triumphant structures that harken back to the days before modern machinery. The structures that mystify the mind and ask "how did they build that?"
This is 2007 (obviously some things get away from me as it's midway through 2008), folks, and while all that stonework is pretty to some to look at, why not freshen things up and take a look at the Seven Wonders of the World -- Version 2.0.
The Mall of America
Make it first on the list. It's one of Minnesota's pathetic claims to fame. Why? Because in American fashion, it's big. It dwarfs all other area malls and nearly all others in the country. Despite its total lack of entertainment venues and its 95% vacant fourth floor, it is popular because it is nearly a self-contained city with no fewer than half a dozen Bath and Body WOrks outlets. It even has its own police department precinct which is helpful due to the fact that those damn Bloomington hoodrats hang out there and stab each other over Sean John jeans.
Michael Jackson
The self-appointed king of pop music is a hero to a few even after his creepy lifestyle at his Neverland Ranch and his plasticization of his face, torso, legs, toes and feet. While most of us are glad to have seen him take his creepiness overseas, some of us wish he would come back se we can see his face melt as he waves to fans in the California sun from behind the protection of a surgical mask. All hail the plastic man!
Samuel L. Jackson
The guy is literally everywhere. I, for one, applaud his efforts to get those muthafuckin' snakes off this muthafuckin' plane last year. It's passion like that which should be an example for generations to come. I am against snakes on planes (and on other modes of mass transit) and I applaud Jackson's efforts to further the cause.
Paris Hilton
She is the most vapid personality to ever grace the cover of supermarket tabloids and pop-culture obsessed TV shows. The simple fact that she is famous for nothing more than being thin as a rail, devoid of any ass and lacks any sort of personality even when she is shitfaced drunk (an all-too-common occurance) speaks volumes about the state of the world today.
Rappers
Yes, I know that rap as a so-called "musical style" was born on the streets but the crap passing for rap these days doesn nothing more than elevate thugs and lowlife losers to celebrities that children worship as they buy "street gear" named after the likes of Slim Thug, Young Jeezy and Lil' Weezy. The fact remains, though, that these flashes in the pan manage to piss away millions as they entertain skeezy hos at their multi-million dollar mansions while they use Cristal to wash their cornrows. There must be something I'm missing because this crap is what's cool so tomorrow I'll be wearing jeans that only go as high as the bottom of my boxer shorts and have a gold chain the size of a log chain draped around my neck becaue I suddenly idolize these jackasses.
Damn, this list has been sitting on my desktop for about two years and I have only compiled five wondrous wonders. Give a guy a hand and toss out two more.
This is 2007 (obviously some things get away from me as it's midway through 2008), folks, and while all that stonework is pretty to some to look at, why not freshen things up and take a look at the Seven Wonders of the World -- Version 2.0.
The Mall of America
Make it first on the list. It's one of Minnesota's pathetic claims to fame. Why? Because in American fashion, it's big. It dwarfs all other area malls and nearly all others in the country. Despite its total lack of entertainment venues and its 95% vacant fourth floor, it is popular because it is nearly a self-contained city with no fewer than half a dozen Bath and Body WOrks outlets. It even has its own police department precinct which is helpful due to the fact that those damn Bloomington hoodrats hang out there and stab each other over Sean John jeans.
Michael Jackson
The self-appointed king of pop music is a hero to a few even after his creepy lifestyle at his Neverland Ranch and his plasticization of his face, torso, legs, toes and feet. While most of us are glad to have seen him take his creepiness overseas, some of us wish he would come back se we can see his face melt as he waves to fans in the California sun from behind the protection of a surgical mask. All hail the plastic man!
Samuel L. Jackson
The guy is literally everywhere. I, for one, applaud his efforts to get those muthafuckin' snakes off this muthafuckin' plane last year. It's passion like that which should be an example for generations to come. I am against snakes on planes (and on other modes of mass transit) and I applaud Jackson's efforts to further the cause.
Paris Hilton
She is the most vapid personality to ever grace the cover of supermarket tabloids and pop-culture obsessed TV shows. The simple fact that she is famous for nothing more than being thin as a rail, devoid of any ass and lacks any sort of personality even when she is shitfaced drunk (an all-too-common occurance) speaks volumes about the state of the world today.
Rappers
Yes, I know that rap as a so-called "musical style" was born on the streets but the crap passing for rap these days doesn nothing more than elevate thugs and lowlife losers to celebrities that children worship as they buy "street gear" named after the likes of Slim Thug, Young Jeezy and Lil' Weezy. The fact remains, though, that these flashes in the pan manage to piss away millions as they entertain skeezy hos at their multi-million dollar mansions while they use Cristal to wash their cornrows. There must be something I'm missing because this crap is what's cool so tomorrow I'll be wearing jeans that only go as high as the bottom of my boxer shorts and have a gold chain the size of a log chain draped around my neck becaue I suddenly idolize these jackasses.
Damn, this list has been sitting on my desktop for about two years and I have only compiled five wondrous wonders. Give a guy a hand and toss out two more.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
8 random things about me
1. I can't bring myself to buy hamburger in those ridiculous 1 lb. tubes. Hamburger, or ground beef to you uppity bastards, shall be sold on styrofoam trays wrapped in plastic.
2. Driving with two hands is for bingo hall grannies and nervous teenagers. My driving hand can be spotted anywhere between the hours of 11 and 8. Even careening down an ice-coated two lane highway in whiteout conditions warrants just one hand on the faux leather coated steering disc.
3. I prefer Gardettos over Chex Mix.
4. I could sussist for weeks at a time on nothing but tacos, pizza and bananas.
5. My shoes needed to be retired a year ago.
6. I have never charged anyone the hourly rate I quote them.
7. My desk at the office scares me with its constant state of disorder.
8. The lowest hourly wage I ever earned was a paltry $4.25.
2. Driving with two hands is for bingo hall grannies and nervous teenagers. My driving hand can be spotted anywhere between the hours of 11 and 8. Even careening down an ice-coated two lane highway in whiteout conditions warrants just one hand on the faux leather coated steering disc.
3. I prefer Gardettos over Chex Mix.
4. I could sussist for weeks at a time on nothing but tacos, pizza and bananas.
5. My shoes needed to be retired a year ago.
6. I have never charged anyone the hourly rate I quote them.
7. My desk at the office scares me with its constant state of disorder.
8. The lowest hourly wage I ever earned was a paltry $4.25.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Ten steps to getting your sex on
The pros at FOX News think they have the scoop on the ten biggest mistakes men make with sex.
I'm just going to expand on their original ideas with lessons I have learned myself.
Everyone makes mistakes, sometimes women like to explore a man's penis with their mouth, that usuall isn't a problem unless they view it as a beef stick and begin chewing. A big no-no. The same goes for men who think that oral pleasure for a woman involves something similar to chewing bubble gum. Not cool.
Whether it's titillation tactics, misjudging erogenous zones or misguided notions as to what women want, men need to avoid the following bedroom blunders if they want to become great lovers:
1. Thinking that foreplay starts in the sack. This is entirely true. It should start in the sack. Starting anywhere else can be awkward. This is entirely true is you get in the mood during a dinenr party where your boss is in attendance. This can be especially awkward if your boss decides that this looks fun and decides to join in.
Men, whether your plan is to “get some,” rev up her engine or bring her to fast orgasm, your strategy should begin only in the bedroom to avoid uncomfortable discussions at work in the following days.
2. Going south too soon. Do not do this until you are sure that you are actually with a woman or a really stellar, um, he-she. Ask some questions. Don't make the questions last any longer than needed, you have needs and once your stick shift is in gear, neautral is not an option.
3. Ignoring the clitoris. This is a fucking no-brainer. If the woman you are with actually has a clitoris, no nuts on it. The catch here is if she does indeed have one. Recent scientific research has found that only 3-5% of women actually have a clitoris. Tread lightly. In some European countries, the presence of a clitoris makes one on the same level as royalty or even goddess stature.
4. Missing the G spot. Sometimes you just gotta dig for treasure. Take some time but when you find ye olde buried treasure, it's time to bring your A-game. Pound, thrust, repeat.
5. Becoming too goal-oriented in your efforts is a must. Intense focus is a necessity. Make sure your face shows that you are focused. Deep frown lines, grunting, tense shoulder muscles, squinting, perhaps even a lifting belt to show that you mean business.
6. Gaining weight and still thinking you're attractive. Seriously, even guys are viewed as fatties from time to time. I agree that most men want the Barbie-type woman but all women -- regardless of if they are svelt or , well, haven't seen svelt since they were three years old but these same women ALWAYS have guys after them because guys are desperate and consider themselves lucky to even touch a woman much less experience intimate relations with one. Tone up you flabby bastards, no woman wants to be smothered under some guy who wreaks of KFC gravy and has Velveeta stuck in his greasy beard.
7. Not knowing about her need to be naughty. When she bends over in the grocery store to grab a can of peas on the bottom shelf, take that as a hint that she wants it... bad. Yes, storming her castle with your wild steed in the canned goods aisle is never of flimits. And when doing so, make sure you proclaim just how filthy of a grocery store slut she truly is. She'll love it.
8. Thinking she's supposed to act like a porn star. While this means that she doesn't necessarily need to sport seven inch high heels in your clothing-optional encounters, she should always moan, loudly. Even if you're simply giving her girls a honk.
9. Thinking you're supposed to look like a porn star. All this boils down to is the simple fact that you actually should leave your black dress socks on. Women love seeing a man whose legs haven't seen sun in the better part of a decade paired with droopy black dress socks. The black/white contrast will literally make her a puddle of pure ecstacy.
10. Believing one orgasm is enough. This means that one may actually be too many. After all, if your old lady has one orgasm, she should thank her lucky damn stars because the very fact that you stumbled through the first nine steps means that you do actually care. An orgasm is like a blue moon, it happens about once a year for women and any more frequently would just be wrong.
I'm just going to expand on their original ideas with lessons I have learned myself.
Everyone makes mistakes, sometimes women like to explore a man's penis with their mouth, that usuall isn't a problem unless they view it as a beef stick and begin chewing. A big no-no. The same goes for men who think that oral pleasure for a woman involves something similar to chewing bubble gum. Not cool.
Whether it's titillation tactics, misjudging erogenous zones or misguided notions as to what women want, men need to avoid the following bedroom blunders if they want to become great lovers:
1. Thinking that foreplay starts in the sack. This is entirely true. It should start in the sack. Starting anywhere else can be awkward. This is entirely true is you get in the mood during a dinenr party where your boss is in attendance. This can be especially awkward if your boss decides that this looks fun and decides to join in.
Men, whether your plan is to “get some,” rev up her engine or bring her to fast orgasm, your strategy should begin only in the bedroom to avoid uncomfortable discussions at work in the following days.
2. Going south too soon. Do not do this until you are sure that you are actually with a woman or a really stellar, um, he-she. Ask some questions. Don't make the questions last any longer than needed, you have needs and once your stick shift is in gear, neautral is not an option.
3. Ignoring the clitoris. This is a fucking no-brainer. If the woman you are with actually has a clitoris, no nuts on it. The catch here is if she does indeed have one. Recent scientific research has found that only 3-5% of women actually have a clitoris. Tread lightly. In some European countries, the presence of a clitoris makes one on the same level as royalty or even goddess stature.
4. Missing the G spot. Sometimes you just gotta dig for treasure. Take some time but when you find ye olde buried treasure, it's time to bring your A-game. Pound, thrust, repeat.
5. Becoming too goal-oriented in your efforts is a must. Intense focus is a necessity. Make sure your face shows that you are focused. Deep frown lines, grunting, tense shoulder muscles, squinting, perhaps even a lifting belt to show that you mean business.
6. Gaining weight and still thinking you're attractive. Seriously, even guys are viewed as fatties from time to time. I agree that most men want the Barbie-type woman but all women -- regardless of if they are svelt or , well, haven't seen svelt since they were three years old but these same women ALWAYS have guys after them because guys are desperate and consider themselves lucky to even touch a woman much less experience intimate relations with one. Tone up you flabby bastards, no woman wants to be smothered under some guy who wreaks of KFC gravy and has Velveeta stuck in his greasy beard.
7. Not knowing about her need to be naughty. When she bends over in the grocery store to grab a can of peas on the bottom shelf, take that as a hint that she wants it... bad. Yes, storming her castle with your wild steed in the canned goods aisle is never of flimits. And when doing so, make sure you proclaim just how filthy of a grocery store slut she truly is. She'll love it.
8. Thinking she's supposed to act like a porn star. While this means that she doesn't necessarily need to sport seven inch high heels in your clothing-optional encounters, she should always moan, loudly. Even if you're simply giving her girls a honk.
9. Thinking you're supposed to look like a porn star. All this boils down to is the simple fact that you actually should leave your black dress socks on. Women love seeing a man whose legs haven't seen sun in the better part of a decade paired with droopy black dress socks. The black/white contrast will literally make her a puddle of pure ecstacy.
10. Believing one orgasm is enough. This means that one may actually be too many. After all, if your old lady has one orgasm, she should thank her lucky damn stars because the very fact that you stumbled through the first nine steps means that you do actually care. An orgasm is like a blue moon, it happens about once a year for women and any more frequently would just be wrong.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Oh, there's room on the freebie list
I am sure that you've at least heard of a freebie list. You know, it's those five famous or semi-famous people whom, given the opportunity, your spouse would grant you a free pass to do whatever happened. Yea, that kind of freebie pass.
Well, I'm sure at least some women out there would include the likes of Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Hell, I might too if I was female but I'm not so, logically, my list includes some ladies.
Not widely known ladies but famous ladies none the less.
Obviously, as the following photos will tell, I have a soft spot for ladies with darker hair. But, enough beating around the bush, here's the list in no particular order.
She's young, attractive and athletic. Yep, it's IRL driver for David Letterman's racing team, Danica Patrick. She's consistently competitive and looks damn good even in a racing suit after driving in a cramped car at 200 m.p.h. for 3+ hours. Her hair, even then, never looks disheveled and she cleans up damn well. All those attributes earn her a spot on the list.
Acting. It's one of those professions plenty of people think they can handle until they fail miserably at it. Ah, yes, Cobie Smulders. She plays Robin on CBS comedy "How I Met Your Mother" and she plays the part well. It can't be easy to play an awkward Canadian living in New York City and compete comedically with the likes on Alyson Hannigan and Neil Patrick Harris but Smulder does it and, like Danica Patrick, looks damn nice in the process. Combine that with the fact that she's rather close to my age and the fact that she has to be funny in real life and you've got yourself a winner. Thus her spot on the list.
She can paint a house, move furniture, host a
cable TV series and look like a damn model the entire time. It's none other than Tanya Memme. Maybe it's the fact that she could decorate an entire house and still have time for, um, whatever might happen but she seems, at least on television, to have a killer personality and looks that take it to the next level. All that earns her a spot on the list.
But wait, that's only three freebies on my list. Well, I know that at one time I had cooked up at least five names but my factor in my memory lapses with the drinking and... wait, where was I going with this?
Whatever. So, five slots on the list but only three occupied. Hmm, that leaves two open. Any suggestions? Should I include you? Care to share your list of five freebies?
Well, I'm sure at least some women out there would include the likes of Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Hell, I might too if I was female but I'm not so, logically, my list includes some ladies.
Not widely known ladies but famous ladies none the less.Obviously, as the following photos will tell, I have a soft spot for ladies with darker hair. But, enough beating around the bush, here's the list in no particular order.
She's young, attractive and athletic. Yep, it's IRL driver for David Letterman's racing team, Danica Patrick. She's consistently competitive and looks damn good even in a racing suit after driving in a cramped car at 200 m.p.h. for 3+ hours. Her hair, even then, never looks disheveled and she cleans up damn well. All those attributes earn her a spot on the list.
Acting. It's one of those professions plenty of people think they can handle until they fail miserably at it. Ah, yes, Cobie Smulders. She plays Robin on CBS comedy "How I Met Your Mother" and she plays the part well. It can't be easy to play an awkward Canadian living in New York City and compete comedically with the likes on Alyson Hannigan and Neil Patrick Harris but Smulder does it and, like Danica Patrick, looks damn nice in the process. Combine that with the fact that she's rather close to my age and the fact that she has to be funny in real life and you've got yourself a winner. Thus her spot on the list.
She can paint a house, move furniture, host a
cable TV series and look like a damn model the entire time. It's none other than Tanya Memme. Maybe it's the fact that she could decorate an entire house and still have time for, um, whatever might happen but she seems, at least on television, to have a killer personality and looks that take it to the next level. All that earns her a spot on the list.But wait, that's only three freebies on my list. Well, I know that at one time I had cooked up at least five names but my factor in my memory lapses with the drinking and... wait, where was I going with this?
Whatever. So, five slots on the list but only three occupied. Hmm, that leaves two open. Any suggestions? Should I include you? Care to share your list of five freebies?
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