You know you want to be a polygamist

Why is it that all the crazies in Minnesota get ignored and why is it that Texas always gets to shine in the national spotlight?

I'm referring to the recent kerfuffle inthe news about that polygamist sect in Eldorado, Texas. Yeah, Texas. First they shine with the whole Branch Davidians thing in Waco and now a polygamist sect where sixteen year old girls may or may not have been forced into marriage with likely creepy looking middle-aged men. Something tells me this couldn't be further from HBO's "Big Love".

But why is it always Texas? (And maybe the key is a city name ending in 'O') You'd think with some die-hard Mormons populating the state that eventually Utah (coincidentally the setting of "Big Love") would land in the headlines for some polygamist crazies marrying both sixteen year old girls and fornicating with dachshaunds. Definitely uncomfortable for the dachshaunds.

I've begun to wonder if Minnesota is just too normal to be the home of a polygamist sect.

I also wondered what is involved with forming your very own polygamist sect.

Seriously. Think about it. A gaggle of young but plain wives ready to give it up for their husband at a moment's notice. Practically a license to repopulate your crazy corner of the world. Ruling your community with an iron fist if anyone (man or woman) gets out of line and tries to return to "civilization" because, dammit, this was their choice and only the weak quit polygamy. It's a lifelong commitment and it took a helluva long tim to wire the premieter of the grounds with landmines. And landmines are damn expensive. Even from shady, underground military surplus stores that cater to militants, crazies, cult leaders and protective polygamists.

My challenge to you is this: if you live outside of Texas (you had your moment), think about how you'd run your polygamist sect. What would life be like? No hippie commune crap here. Polygamists have an agenda -- I think. After all, how hard can it be to find members to live the polygamist lifestyle? Scientology draws plenty of members and attention, are the two really that different?

Only a prick would ban dildos

After reading this Slate story on the illegality of "toys of sexual gratification" (you know what I mean) in states such as Texas (wow, what a shocker) and Mississippi (color me surprised) to name a couple, I got to snooping about dumb laws still on the books in Minnesota.

I only found two that were peculiar to me. Apparently both the act of oral sex and sleeping naked are just cause for legal action in the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Why is that? Were old-timey Minnesotans straight-up prudes or did a couple of lawmakers have a grudge to settle with someone? What would cause a politician (likely sporting a stove pipe hat) to think that sleeping without 'yer wool jammies was cause for some jail time? Did his wife have a case of ice ass or had he caught a glimpse of his next door neighbor getting a late-night cup of water from the backyard well?

As for the oral sex one, maybe said politician's wife had a fondness for performing the act but she also had the unfortunate habit of involving her teeth as well. What better way to avoid some awkwardness than flat out banning the very act where the end result would have been the very reason to invent the Band-Aid?

But back to Texas. Are the prudes in the land of cowboys really so insecure that they think their wives may be wooed away by a piece of carefully shaped plastic? Seriously Texans, I've heard ads on the radio right here in the Twin Cities for honest to gosh stores (The Smitten Kitten) selling "fun toys for her" or some other slyly worded marketing line. That fact alone should convince folks in The Lonestar State to throw caution to the wind and allow "pleasurable toys" to be sold. If for no other reason than the sales tax alone.

Think of all the lonely ladies wearing Wrangler jeans and girly cowboy hats that would stroll through the doors of their friendly neighborhood "marital aids" shop for a little something to tide them over while their big burly man of a man spent a couple long weeks riding the range roping steers.

Just think, too, about not having to explain to her cowboy husband all the odd out-of-state charges to their Lonestar Bank Visa for items that would make the Wrangler-wearing cowgirl blush. Factor in the convenience and it's a no-brainer. If only women in these states would finally be given the right to vote.

I have to wonder if I've overlooked any stupid laws. Have any of you ever been cited for something so stupid it made you ask the officer if he was serious? Have you frequented Minneapolis' "Smitten Kitten"?