What's the deal with cheese?

Have you noticed recently how damn much cheese costs in our fancy-dancy grocery stores? Cheese used to be a sort of staple in the diets of many Americans. It makes sense being that those go-getter dairy cattle (mainly the holsteins) produce literally gobs of milk. I've seen 'em up close in my lifetime and it's amazing that an animal that with one not-so-directed kick can both knock your teeth out and provide you with upwards of 10-20 gallons of milk on a daily basis.

To me, that's one hell of a multi-tasker in the world of domesticated animals.

The cheese prices, though, have me flabbergasted.

Not too long ago I was running through the local Cub Foods store (which disgusted me but that's another story for another day) and needed a block of cheese. Not a want, it was a need. I arrived at a block of medium cheddar and began to notice how outrageous the prices were. Damn! The little 8 oz. blocks which used to be about $1.79 were suddenly approaching $3.00. I almost had a cheese seizure.

Come on. I know that gas prices have more than tripled in by 14 years (has it really been that long) of driving but the cheese price jump equates to a jump of over $2.00/lb in a few short months. I don't think we have a sudden shortage of holstein cows. To the contrary actually. I think that the cows are too numerous and could easily overtake us if they weren't so damn laid back chowing on grass all day long.

Yes, it would be a future where we were forced to serve our holstein overlords and they drank our milk at a leisurely pace. Think of the oddities in this alternate future. Human cheese. Cows eating male humans. Mandatory castration of males by our bovine rulers. The tables would be horrifically turned. I think we need to keep a watchful eye on cattle everywhere. They are shifty bastards who may or may not be witholding milk production in a sick and twisted plan to bankrupt us with escalated dairy prices.

Am I way off base here or am I eerily close to the truth?

The flaming penis is not a drink

Everyone who is married has gotten mad at their spouse. It's human nature.

One thing that isn't human nature is to light a dude's penis on fire.

Well a crazy Russian woman who was living with her former husband after they separated did just that.

Apparently, the thing that set her off was his penchant of lounging around the house naked and swilling vodka. Hell, just because it passes in our house in Minnesota doesn't mean that your ex-wife is going to put up with that kind of crap.

The burned man stated that "it felt like a burning torch".

Really?

I would have thought that it felt like a stripper's silky unmentionables grinding you towards throwing her another twenty-spot.

Nobody would put up with that, would they? Would you ever set someone's naughty bits aflame?