April Fools of years gone by

Blah, blah, blah. Today's April 1st. More commonly known as April Fools Day. It's some sort of free pass where you can play lame practical jokes on your boss and co-workers. You can call your wife, screaming, and tell her that you were just in a terrible accident and veer off into a bunch of jibberish and convince her that you're dying. You know, fun shit like that.

I should know because one year I convinced my old lady that I had some sort of terrible infection, apologized profusely, and asked her what it meant if it burned when I peed and my pee smelled like rotten ham. She didn't laugh.

I also, a few years ago, busted out that key command in Microsoft Windows that rotates the screen. My boss arrived to find the display on her monitor upside down. A year before that I stole the arms from her chair. Another year I taped down the hang-up button (or whatever it's called) on her phone so when she picked it up to retrieve her messages there was no dial tone.

But I'm beyond that. I even pulled a few tricks here on my blog including me angrily quitting blogging, discussed how we'd soon be homeless, had people fire off guesses about a huge November event and even our impending divorce. (Wow, my pranks are rather mean) But not this year.

This yea is all business as usual everywhere including my photo blog - MinnPics. Just be a good citizen and spread the word.

A real question about ultrasounds

As we watched "Juno" a few weeks back (fifth time) I paused the movie at one particular scene. The scene where Juno McGuff is getting her ultrasound. The ultrasound technician squeezes the bottle of ultrasound jelly on Juno's pregnant belly and the bottle sounds rather obviously less than full. It sounds like a sputtering plastic ketchup botttle as it reluctantly gives up some of its last ketchup.

My question is about those ultrasound jelly bottles. Do they come from the ultrasound jelly plant only half full? I remember when my old lady got her ultrasound just like Juno's and that bottle sputtered like a backfiring engine when it was squeezed. And the one at Rochester's Mayo Clinic did the same thing. So, I jumped to the conclusion that there's some sinister company somewhere in the country churning out less-than half-full bottles of ultrasound jelly.

But is there any truth in my assumption? Has anyone actually seen a full(ish) bottle of ultrasound jelly that didn't spit and sputter that cold (from what I've heard) goo all over their pregnant belly?

If serious topics like this one make your head pound like it's full of a million kick drums, check out the relaxing but still intriguing photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. It's the one decision today that you won't regret.

Sympathy hemorrhoids

The clock is ticking. We are down to two months and counting in the baby lottery. With only two months remaining, that means that the missus is uncomfortable. She's feeling the baby's hiccups. She's feeling and sometimes seeing movement. It also means that a good husband feels at least some sympathy towards her discomfort.

Sure, I rub her mangled back from time to time and make supper one or two extra times per week outside my allotted number of times (we alternate cooking every other meal). I grab her a glass of lemonade if I'm roaming through the house. I even do most of the laundry.

But there are some pains I don't understand and can't fix. I can still crack my old lady's back but with areas protruding, belly down on the floor isn't exactly an option. I'm sure, too, that with increased growth in the belly area, things will reposition themselves. That's where the hemorrhoids come in.

I'm sure it's only a matter of time before she sends me off to the nearest drug store in search of an ass donut. That won't be an embarrassing quest at all.

"Can I help you find something?"

"Yeah, I'm looking for an ass donut. Do you have anything in blue?"

The thing is, I'm one step ahead there. No, I haven't taken an pre-emptive strike and purchased a blue ass donut. Maybe it was from eating a 3 lb. block of cheese in a mere 36 hours. Maybe all that whole grain bread got its revenge on me. Maybe a constant diet of red meat isn't the wisest decision.

Whatever the cause, the result was pre-emptive sympathy hemorrhoids.

Yes women of the world, I know your pain.

From pain, though, comes pleasure and pleasure comes from MinnPics. It's chock full of grea tphotos from around Minnesota and it's updated daily!

Questions answered, points to be won

I can't always answer everything that pops up in the comments so what better day than Friday (and the following weekend when absolutely nobody reads this) to answer those random questions.

Spleeness asked:

So what happened with the semi?
The short version is that the semi stopped. After I laid on my horn and yelled a string of profanities. Then I realized that my driver's side window was down. I backed up slightly, inched my car uncomfortably close to the truck next to me and the semi attempted to back up. After a few minutes, the cars crowding behind me in the trun lane backed up also and within five minutes, the semi was free to make his poorly planned turn.

No asked:

HOLD UP--- I couldn't read the past the Paul Douglas getting fired...details please..You are my main source of Twin Cities gossip..do tell.

Douglas fell victim to across the nation cuts at CBS owned stations. They offered to keep him on until the end of May (the ratings period) but he apparently declined. Star Tribune gossip hack even tried to get in on the action by claiming that she broke the story and argued it out publicly with Minnesota Monitor's Paul Schmelzer. It all boils down, apparently, to the validity of the time stamps but I broke it on MNSpeak the day is was publicly announced.


MichelleAnn asked:

Sornie...are you expecting??

My belly would make a person assume that I am but unless I accidentally drank some of that polluted tap water full up with the prescription meds we flush down the toilet, I am not able to conceive.

and finally...

No asked:

Did anyone notice the pregnancy thing?

Yes indeed, plenty have noticed "the pregnancy thing" and it's as real as tomorrow being Saturday. The expected due date is the ultra-specific "mid-November". Leah's guess of November 12 from way back may have be dead on. Of course if pregnancies are as reliable as the departure times of American Airlines flights, December may be a real possibility.

And on that note, I think it's time to award some more points. Place your guesses of my wife's actual date of delivery. The winner, obviously announced after the delivery, will receive 5,000 points. That point amount is the most I've awarded in a single contest ever. Make your guesses now!

"Celebrities" are jackasses

I hate myself for even knowing this but it was publicized today that Jamie-Lynn Spears is pregnant. Yep, the younger sister of Hollywood's favorite trainwreck Britney Spears done got herself knocked up. Imagine that, someone with the last name of Spears has a southern-fried bun in her cajun-style baby oven.

I am also ashamed for using the phrase "celebrities" because she is only known for "starring" in Zoey 101 on Nickelodeon which is kind of an oxymoron because everyone knows that "star" and Nickelodeon just don't belong together.

This "news", though, makes me wonder how long it will be until thousands of tweens who religiously watch what I can only assume is a steamy pile of horse crap follow in her jackassery and get themselves knocked up as well.