ABC's 2012-13 TV schedule

ABC seems to be following the lead of rival NBC in adding more comedies on similar nights to its schedule. Going head to head with "The Voice" on both Monday and Tuesday nights should prove to be interesting but I tend to think that those two shows have audiences in vastly different age groups and the sandwich of reality-comedy-drama on Tuesday will probably spell doom for both "Happy Endings" (which I truly love) and "Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23" which is growing on me this year. Their fortunes may change when paired with a new duo of comedies in the first hour of primetime after Christmas but the damage may already be done by that point.

On the drama front, "Last Resort" sounds like the best of the new ABC drama offerings.

500 feet beneath the ocean's surface, the U.S. ballistic missile submarine Colorado receive their orders. Over a radio channel, designed only to be used if their homeland has been wiped out, they're told to fire nuclear weapons at Pakistan.

Captain Marcus Chaplin (Andre Braugher) demands confirmation of the orders only to be unceremoniously relieved of duty by the White House. XO Sam Kendal (Scott Speedman) finds himself suddenly in charge of the submarine and facing the same difficult decision. When he also refuses to fire without confirmation of the orders, the Colorado is targeted, fired upon, and hit. The submarine and its crew find themselves crippled on the ocean floor, declared rogue enemies of their own country. Now, with nowhere left to turn, Chaplin and Kendal take the sub on the run and bring the men and women of the Colorado to an exotic island. Here they will find refuge, romance and a chance at a new life, even as they try to clear their names and get home.

MONDAY:   
8:00 p.m.  “Dancing with the Stars”
10:00 p.m. “Castle”

    In January:
8:00 p.m. “The Bachelor”
10:00 p.m.  “Castle”
       
TUESDAY:   
8:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars the Results Show”
9:00 p.m. “Happy Endings”
9:30 p.m. “Don’t Trust the B---- in Apartment 23”
10:00 p.m. “Private Practice”

    In January:
8:00 p.m. “How to Live with Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life)”
8:30 p.m. “The Family Tools”

WEDNESDAY:   
8:00 p.m. “The Middle”
8:30 p.m. “Suburgatory”
9:00 p.m. “Modern Family”
9:30 p.m. “The Neighbors”
10:00 p.m. “Nashville”

THURSDAY
8:00 p.m. “Last Resort”
9:00 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy”
10:00 p.m. “Scandal”

FRIDAY:   
8:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”
9:00 p.m. “Primetime: What Would You Do?”
10:00 p.m. “20/20”

    In November:
8:00 p.m. “Last Man Standing”
8:30 p.m. “Malibu Country”
9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”
10:00 p.m. “Primetime: What Would You Do?”
       
SATURDAY:   
8:00 p.m. “Saturday Night College Football”

SUNDAY:   
7:00 p.m. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”
8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time”
9:00 p.m. “Revenge”
10:00 p.m.“666 Park Avenue”

Episode One of The River on ABC - worth watching

Yes, The River on ABC is a limited run (8 episodes) series but after watching the first two episodes last night I have to say that I am intrigued by the story which The River has to tell. It has elements of Lost, The Blair Witch Project, The Shining and Paranormal Activity to it. It's a found-footage concept which may or may not have been overdone in recent years but still works because viewers know that there is likely an endpoint to The River.

The central story is about the mysterious disappearance of Dr. Emmet Cole who, for over 20 years, was the central star of a fictional nature show in which his family was heavily featured. A film crew, along with Cole's son, wife and a longtime childhood friend of Dr. Cole's son meet in the Amazon River in an attempt to locate and rescue Dr. Emmet Cole.

The River's major flaw, unfortunately, is bad acting. The British actor playing Dr. Cole's son is brutal in the delivery of his sometimes forced and cheesy lines. But what is lost in the bad acting is made up for in the suspense. Oh, sure, we see a glimpse of the spirit-like being or monster which is likely responsible for the mayhem in this uncharted area of the Amazon River but unlike Lost, which made viewers wait for what seemed like forever for an explanation or even a glimpse of the smoke monster, The River gets right down to business -- knowing that they have a mere eight hours to wrap the story up.

I wouldn't worry about The River on ABC being drawn out beyond its initial eight episode run because its lackluster ratings last night seem to indicate that it's a one and done. So sit back and enjoy the suspense which The River has to offer. It settles in to its permanent timeslot next Tuesday at 8 PM central on ABC.

Avoid The X Factor at all costs

Yippee. Tonight is the debut of some singing show called The X Factor. I hear that it features some British guy named SImon Cowell. He apparently used to be at the front of some other singing show entitled American Idol. Apparently both of these singing shows are on some American television network named FOX and center around people's dreams coming true or being crushed when it comes to their vocal prowess.

Alright. I can't actually pretend not to know what either if these shows are but I can honestly say I only watched the very first season of American Idol which produced the only true pop star from the series (Kelly Clarkson) but The X Factor is different. Simon Cowell will let his dickish self shine through. He is free to be an utter prick to kids as young as twelve. He can sport his black tees from Baby Gap in front of the same fucking mindless drones who watch the incessant drivel that is American Idol except now people can get their weekly dose of public belittling of people who have no business singing for about nine straight months.



In short, I know that tens of millions of brain dead Americans will watch the lowest common denominator programming which The X Factor certainly is. It's a cruel program but it's also somewhat real. Sure, the producers are scouring the lines of potential contestants looking for those who are sure to embarrass themselves. They are desperate to find the person who is so oblivious to their own lack of talent that they will eagerly belt out two or three horrendously off-key lines to an already horrid pop song that Simon Cowell will be chomping at the bit to belittle this contestant who needs to be belittled but should probably be belittled in a more private setting.

Hey, I have no problem with cruel. I'm a rather cruel person but The X Factor is a semi-scripted attempt at reality competition television. If they have to show this drivel, show it uncut. That would be true reality. Show it without the producers coaching potential contestants. Show it unedited and unfiltered. It will always be edited in a way that's flattering to the judges -- particularly Simon Cowell who overflows with pretentiousness -- but I hope and pray that Americans will return to scripted television and this year is the year to do just that.

NBC actually has a solid hour of comedy tonight with Up All Night and Free Agents starting off the night and ABC has an hour both of The Middle and Modern Family tonight so ditch the shitty "reality" singing contests and appreciate the fact that creative and sharp writing teamed with legitimate actors is a superior alternative to a TV landscape littered with mindless drones looking for their fifteen minutes of fame.

ABC fall 2011 new series previews

Apartment 23



Charlie's Angels



Good Christian Belles



Last Man Standing



Man Up!



Missing



Once Upon a Time



Pan Am



Revenge



The River



Scandal



Suburgatory



Work It



All told it looks like I have a lot of TV series to watch and pass judgment on this fall and again in January when the mid-season shows roll out. Outside of Good Christian Belles and Charlie's Angels, I'll actually give each series one episode to suck me in.

My best guess is that Once Upon a Time will be the first ABC series of the fall season to fall prey to cancellation.

ABC's 2011 fall schedule

MONDAY
8:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars”
10:00 p.m. “Castle”
TUESDAY
8:00 p.m. “Last Man Standing”
8:30 p.m. “Man Up”
9:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars the Results Show”
10:00 p.m. “Body of Proof”
WEDNESDAY
8:00 p.m. “The Middle”
8:30 p.m. “Suburgatory”
9:00 p.m. “Modern Family”
9:30 p.m. “Happy Endings”
10:00 p.m. “Revenge”
THURSDAY
8:00 p.m. “Charlie’s Angels”
9:00 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy”
10:00 p.m. “Private Practice”
FRIDAY
8:00 p.m. “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”
9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”
10:00 p.m. “20/20”
SATURDAY
8:00 p.m. “Saturday Night College Football”
SUNDAY
7:00 p.m. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”
8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time”
9:00 p.m. “Desperate Housewives”
10:00 p.m. “Pan Am”

Again, a somewhat bland fall schedule from ABC. I can see the reboot of Charlie's Angels falling apart quickly and being the first casualty on ABC's schedule. I'm surprised that there wasn't some sort of attempt to actually program Friday night with some cheaper comedies. Despite what the suits think, some people -- especially those with families -- are actually home on Friday evenings.

I'll have previews/trailers of the new series later.

Follow-up: Charlie Brown likes Easter, indifferent about Passover

It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown

It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown has to be one of the worst holiday-themed specials in the Charlie Brown franchise. It's so bad, in fact, that I can't seem to find it being aired this week on ABC which owns the rights to the entire Charlie Brown holiday franchise. But if you want to kill 25 or so minutes, watch it above but try not to fall asleep.

Easter overlooked by Charlie Brown

If casually watching ABC has taught me anything it's that there are a TON of Charlie Brown cartoon specials. From Christmas and Halloween to Valentine's Day and Thanksgiving, it's seems that America's lovable loser, Charlie Brown, has them covered with his own bland form of holiday entertainment. The one, though, that I can't seem to remember ever seeing an advertisement for is an Easter-themed special.

Maybe Easter, with all of its murderous celebration of Jesus Christ, isn't something that Charles Schulz wanted to cover. Maybe the Easter Bunny wasn't kosher with sharing the spotlight with another animal, Snoopy, for a televised cartoon special. Whatever the case, an Easter (or Passover) Charlie Brown special seems to be either missing from the library of Charlie Brown cartoons or missing from my vast memory of TV events. I'd even take some sort of Charlie Brown/Rachael Ray crossover special where a live action Rachael Ray shares some of her favorite Easter recipes with Charlie Brown and friends to make it more culturally relevant. But that's probably just a pipe dream.

While I don't expect a written explanation to come from the family of Charles Schulz explaining the absence of a Charlie Brown Easter (or Passover) special from teh archives of the Charlie Brown library which ABC somehow came to own, I would be interesting in hearing your thoughts on this travesty.

ABC cans All My Children and One Life to Live

Chalk up another victory for piss-poor unscripted filler programming. ABC's decision to give two of their three daytime soaps the ax is yet another slit to the throat of scripted television. Think I'm wrong? Flip around next time you're home sick from work and see the sad excuses for programming that exist during the daytime hours. Outside of a few cartoons for the kids on a couple cable channels and the mostly decent offerings from PBS, the rest of the channels are tenth-run movies or talk shows.

Maybe we have Oprah Winfrey to blame for the proliferation of talk shows. After all, her's was the first barnburning success story in the daytime talk format but those that have copied and badly altered the format are the ones to truly blame. I get it, though. Daytime TV viewership is home to some pretty dismal numbers due to the fact that the stay-at-home mom crowd is about as large as the number of polar bears living in Iowa but even a mom who spends her days wrangling a gang of rugrats deserves to be entertained and that entertainment used to come in the form of scripted daytime dramas (soap operas) but now comes in the form of 4 hours of the Today show on NBC, an hour of local news, Rachel Ray cooking something and a couple hours of doctor-themed talk shows.

That seems recipe seems like an awful lot of the same ingredients. Take, for instance, local NBC affiliate KARE-TV. KARE-TV is home to one scripted hour of television outside of the 7-10 PM primetime block. The rest of the hours consist of local or network news/entertainment programming, Jeopardy! and many hours of talk shows which all seem to cover the same topics. I understand that a talk show costs far less to produce than an hour of scripted television but with ABC bringing shows entitled "The Chew" (a food/cooking show) and "The Revolution" (a weight loss series) it seems like, in an effort to cut costs, the networks are almost desperate to copy or even sink below their cable television competition.

With each passing day I lose more hope for the continued existence of over the air network television and while I'm no fan of daytime soaps, today's loss -- bringing the remaining total to four soaps across the big three networks -- seems to say that the networks will do whatever it takes to cut costs to the bone while still raking in the same amount of advertising dollars as always. Hell, none of the big three networks actually program new content on Saturday evenings and Friday evenings are mainly reality fare so it's only a matter of time until the big three networks take on The CW model and go five nights a week with only two hours each night.

I'm only half joking with that last prediction but it's time for the networks to get serious. Slashing costs and going the route of more unscripted content is not going to one-up their cable competition. Like any business, it's time for the suits to be held accountable and it's time for them to come up with real, long-term solutions because drivel like "The Chew" and "The Revolution" are nothing more than placeholders.

Happy Endings is well worth your time

A quirky late-season comedy complete with an insecure gay guy who doesn't seem gay, a recently split couple, an obsessive woman and her black husband and an insecure woman who is desperate to find a boyfriend. My description makes ABC newest comedy offering, Happy Endings, seem shallow but it is anything but that.

Elisha Cuthbert, easily the most recognizable name in the series, definitely does not steal the show in this six-person ensemble and my earlier assumption that Casey Wilson (formerly on SNL) is anything but funny was definitely wrong. The ensemble works well. After tonight's two episodes it's tough to pick a favorite character and I hope they continue to explore each of the six characters somewhat equally as they both have plenty to build on from the inaugural episodes.

I don't know if I'd compare Happy Endings to early episodes of Friends because this series actually has more potential. There is already an established relationship and one failed relationship that has the possibility of being rekindles but the romantic entanglements amongst the group of six has less repetitive potential than that of Friends. In addition, Happy Endings makes excellent use of sight gags, cut scenes and flashbacks without overusing the concepts.

In short, Happy Endings is a decent surprise among a sloppy heap of less-than-appealing late-season offerings across the major networks. If it were up to me, I'd make this an early pick to be back next season. Call it a surprise hit if you'd like but it's a definite must-see. Check out Happy Endings in its regular timeslot next Wednesday on ABC at 9 PM C/T.

Elisha Cuthbert returns to TV tonight

Elisha Cuthbert, who had a television role in the FOX drama "24", returns tonight to network television in the ABC comedy "Happy Endings". The basic premise of the show is a guy gets left at the altar by his fiancee, played by Cuthbert and is left to pick up the pieces with some help from his quirky group of four friends as well as his now ex-fiancee. The show also stars Casey Wilson who was fired from SNL at the end of the 2008-09 season so it's got that going for it. Given its extremely late season premiere date and the fact that ABC is showing two episodes back-to-back leaves me thinking that this must be one helluva poorly conceived series but, as always, I'm giving it an episode or two to leave an impression on me (Hey, I watched "Extreme Couponing" last week so I'll try most anything once). I'll have a review of it sometime tomorrow and if you're curious how good or bad it is and wish to make your own judgment before you read mine, check it out tonight on ABC (locally on KSTP Channel 5) at 8:30 & 9:00 PM C/T. If it's really bad, I just might have a reaction in my Twitter feed (@sornie79) so follow along.

Body of Proof is a true corpse

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The phenomenon of reality television

I wouldn't normally ever consider watching 20/20. It's not because I'm too cool to watch a network news magazine show. It's not even that I'm out of the house on a Friday night (because I'm basically an elderly shut-in). It's just that afSavedter enduring Friday nights where the only option was 20/20 growing up, I have a dislike for the program -- much like my wife's dislike of pancakes.

But this Friday's episode of 20/20 (9 PM Central on KSTP-Channel 5/ABC) just may be intriguing enough to consider watching. It's all about the phenomenon of reality television. According to the ABC Press Release, they'll be taking a look at the thing that most maddens me -- people who are famous for no other reason than being famous. The people like Richard Hatch (Survivor), Kate Gosselin, The Kardashians and others. Also featured will be the perfectly nauseating ladies from Bravo's "Real Housewives" franchise. Having never watched it but heard discussions about it, they are all a bunch of spoiled, bitchy, possibly whorish housewives who drink a lot and live overly privileged lives.

In short, they fit the bill for being famous for no other reason than being famous. And their fame is only due to Bravo (and other cable channels) rolling out original but (supposedly) unscripted series featuring the supposedly average lives of nobodies. Basically, we have the cable channels to blame for a whole new breed of fame -- those who have done nothing, outside of living their mundane lives, to become famous.

Let's all blame cable and get back to watching these worthless, vapid souls being exposed on ABC's 20/20.

The End of Lost sort of explained

The mythology and mystery were the true filler. That's what I gathered from last night's series finale of "Lost". The character interactions over the past six years are what the true focus of the entire series were about. Sure, their adventures on and off Lost island most definitely led to these misfits having drastically altered lives after however long they lived on the island but that was all part of the adventure.

The final 90 minutes of "Lost" was full of heart-tugging moments as the characters were reunited in the sideways timeline with Desmond pulling strings to get everyone in the same place and to get his friends from the island to have that great realization and remember that they spent time - some of the best moments of their lives - together on some magical island. And about that island...

The island, while it sure seems to be important to the world at large, was a location that existed so these survivors of the original Oceanic flight 815 crash could better themselves. Jacob was correct in saying that he brought his candidates there because they were flawed, broken people whose lives were made better because of their experiences on the island.

The most important item still open for interpretation is the entirety of the sideways universe. In the final scene, Jack's father, Christian, says that this is a place he and his friends created so they could be together. He goes on to say to Jack that they are both dead and that's where the interpretation can really ramp up. Are the Oceanic survivors in this church because they are in heaven of is the church a metaphor for purgatory. If so, everything leading up to them arriving at the church - a sort of pre-purgatory perhaps, seems rather earthy. Maybe that's what "Lost" was all about, the experiences which the huge cast of characters shared for however short of a time brought them together so that they could spend eternity together living out the lives they were meant to have. And as each character had their great realization about the past, it was pretty obvious that they were destined to be together.

All told, "Lost" was wrapped up very nicely and while some were expecting a huge action sequence to end the series, I am perfectly happy with the finale. It was honestly the first show I had ever clung to. I was anxious for each new episode and the previous episode made for great water cooler conversations. It's the end of an era, so to speak. I don't foresee a broadcast network ever able to succeed with such a long and winding thinking man's show ever again. Already tonight we return to the drivel of "The Bachelorette" and the fall season, while having more scripted series than in previous years, looks to be full of procedural shows which fail to draw viewers in for the long haul. So "Lost" has left us in a sort of television purgatory where we are left with an unknown future.

I watch too much TV

Momentum. It's all about forward progress, right? Well, what happens when you break that momentum?

The best people to ask would be the television executives of America. In some of my daily reading I do to prep for my TV blog I came across the story about "Fringe" on Fox airing its final episode of the year tonight. The show will then return January 14 for four episodes then go on hiatus again until April 1. Factor in, too, that "Fringe" took a three or so week break back in October for baseball coverage and that adds up to three rather lengthy hiatus periods.

The model of stretching 20-24 episodes from mid-September to mid-May doesn't work. My math says that adds up to about 36-37 weeks of the calendar year - leaving 12-17 weeks open. At the large end of that spectrum, that leaves enough weeks to air a full (but somewhat short) season of a second entirely different series. Sure, it would cost a fair amount of money to do so but wouldn't well-written, well-acted, original (and hopefully scripted) programming play out better than repeats and wouldn't airing all of the episodes of any given show in succession better satisfy fans and lead to a more intense fan base?

While "Lost" on ABC may not be the best example, the producers and executives finally figured out that a somewhat shorter season and a definitive endpoint to the series would satisfy fans and only serve to intensify the fandom of the series. "Lost" airs its episodes in succession without repeats or breaks and it works because it builds momentum and excitement. Viewers and their short attention spans don't forget about the plot because the show airs every week at the same time with no breaks for viewers to forget the plot. It also frees up half of the year in that particular timeslot for ABC to air other programming. It allows ABC to experiment to a certain degree with what may or may not work in terms of programming and scheduling. It's partly the reason why ABC has experienced a rebirth of sorts in the past decade.

The exact opposite reason is why NBC has fallen deep in to the shitter. They routinely have shows on hiatus for weeks at time - and viewers not only forget the storyline of the show but also forget that it even exists. That forgetfulness shows, too. The only shows I religiously tune in to on NBC are their Thursday comedies. They've improved this year over last year and it's become appointment viewing for me. But that's the exception for me.

I prefer the continuous scheduling model but I'm curious what others think. Do you care or have you given up and switched what TV watching you do to cable channels?

If you want visual stimulation, check out the killer photos of Minnesota on MinnPics.

Extreme Makeover in my parent's backyard

So, that's a bit misleading but a couple miles away from my parent's rural Austin, MN home, the zoo better known as Extreme Makeover: Home Edition has been swinging hammers, knocking things down and pulling in thousands of cheering fans for the past week.

The story behind this makeover, like all others, is specifically chosen to tug at your heartstrings. The family, whom my dad has known for over 20 years, lived in a patched together but falling apart home. With plenty of poorly crafted additions, water made its way in to the home and mold soon followed. The father, who lost his job as a diesel mechanic at an Albert Lea implement dealership a couple years back, will be portrayed as triumphing over adversity. He's made a living as a mechanic while having only one arm (he lost the other at age 10). The parents, Dirk and Susan DeVries, have close ties to a religious school in nearby Hollandale and the 15 year-old son (one of three children) has a fascination with crafting stuff from duct tape.

The big attraction, though, is the excitement surrounding a bunch of Hollywood-types rolling in to town with their fancy three syllable words and big lights (my dad even sounded a bit starstruck as he said he could see the lights from five miles away Saturday night as he sat inside the cab of his combine harvesting soybeans).

Of course tomorrow (Tuesday to you) the hundreds of spectators, a tearful family and a caffeine (and maybe meth)-fueled Ty Pennington screams "Bus driver, move that bus" and within hours, the circus, just like the one with lions and elephants, pulls out of town and like the one with animals and clowns, all that's left is the elephant shit.

And by elephant shit, I mean the mess left behind. Think of the expenses incurred during this excitement. For an entire week, 24 hours a day, a Freeborn County Sheriff's deputy was stationed at either end of the gravel road on which the construction site was located. I'm glad to pay for that sort of overtime because ABC television deserves the ratings. There's also the matter of the demolition debris. The company in charge of hauling it away couldn't do so in the timeframe demanded by the production company. That debris, then, was dumped in a neighbor's yard for later disposal.

It's a mixed blessing, of sorts, to have a reality TV show pull in to town but I wouldn't turn it down because where else would you land a free end of September vacation to dreary and wet Niagara Falls, New York?

Kim Kardashian (and her ass) will dance

Yes, fans of Kim Kardashian's ass will be satisfied because even though she sliced her foot open over the weekend on a coffee table, she'll be able to salsa and samba her round derrier all over the dance floor on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars".

Even more satisfying to Google addicts everywhere, 2008 Olympic Gold Medalist (for beach volleyball) Misty May Treanor will be on the show.

I guess that the show's producers are stretching the definition of "star" by including Cloris Leachman. It has to be a large liability because at her age, even a fall on to a pillow could break her hip.

But back to Misty May-Treanor.

Yes, the 2008 Olympic Nipple Collection continues. Enjoy.

Shocking: Lost season finale clips leaked

Apparently nobody few gave a damn about my earlier post so in order to keep you all entertained I have this for you. Yes, it's an actual leaked clip from the season finale of ABC's hit drama Lost. I won't spell out what the season finale consists of but there is another clip here that is even more shocking. You can also read other non-spoiler tidbits here.