Call it a weakness but I, for whatever reason, am somewhat drawn to well-written stories about poop. It's not a fetish or anything it's just the simple fact that the technology surrounding how we do the deed has gone unchanged for centuries. When everything else has evolved so much in the past centuries, why is it that we are still sitting down on an elongated bowl (most times) and dropping the kids off? I'm assuming that our distant ancestors began this trend many millennia ago by doing their business over some sort of earthen hole, all we've done in semi-modern times is add some pipes below the hole, sit on some porcelain as opposed to wood and filled to thing with some water.
When it's broken down like that, it's pretty damn primitive. That's why the Slate story (linked in the title) caught my attention. Simply squatting was apparently their answer. And why not? It's how primitive hunter/gatherers took care of their pooping. They didn't have time to dig a hole when they were out chasing Wooly Mammoths. Hell no. They literally popped a squat and did the deed. Then they moved on. Of course with the exploding population today, doing that would cause all sort of disease-related problems and would be plain unsightly. So back to some invention.
The geniuses (who apparently put a lot of time in to thinking about poop) at Slate theorize that the human body is designed to squat while pooping so why not design the toilet to function like that? It's really quite genius but what about the over 50% of the population who pee sitting down? What sort of miracle toilet works for both purposes while allowing you to poop while squatting (as the writer suggest with your knees close to your chest)?
So, without proper facilities we'll just have to improvise for the time being. Will you hover, perch or do some sort of modified squat to test out the comfort level of this new stance? Maybe I'll actually follow up on this one because I can see the health benefits to it. Do yourself a favor and at least try it.
And do me a favor and check out MinnPics. All Minnesota photos all the time.
Showing posts with label bathroom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bathroom. Show all posts
Monday, August 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
It just flew in to the toilet
When I heard tools banging around in the bathroom this morning, I just had to find out what was going on behind that closed door.
When I opened the door, I found my old lady hunched over the tub holding the handle of my Channel Lock pliers in one hand and a bottle of bleach-filled shower cleaner in the other. She had just foamed up the business end of the pliers when I asked "Um, what happened?"
"It just flew in to the toilet" she said.
Of course I had to ask what flew in to the toilet and how this involved my Channel Lock pliers.
"The springy toilet paper roll thingy" was the answer she gave me.
Ah, so that's the technical name, I thought to myself as I asked "How in the hell did that happen?"
It turns out that she was being courteous and replacing the empty roll of toilet paper and the "springy toilet paper thingy" actually has wings and used them to take a cold dip in the old Kohler dump-be-gone.
I just shook my head and left the room as she asked "That's never happened to you?"
Um, no, it hasn't. That wiley spring has never bested me and now I know to be even more cautious because she'd hold something like that over my head for a lifetime. I'll forget in a week.
For a classier take on things, check out the vast collection of photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. Something new every damn day!
When I opened the door, I found my old lady hunched over the tub holding the handle of my Channel Lock pliers in one hand and a bottle of bleach-filled shower cleaner in the other. She had just foamed up the business end of the pliers when I asked "Um, what happened?"
"It just flew in to the toilet" she said.
Of course I had to ask what flew in to the toilet and how this involved my Channel Lock pliers.
"The springy toilet paper roll thingy" was the answer she gave me.
Ah, so that's the technical name, I thought to myself as I asked "How in the hell did that happen?"
It turns out that she was being courteous and replacing the empty roll of toilet paper and the "springy toilet paper thingy" actually has wings and used them to take a cold dip in the old Kohler dump-be-gone.
I just shook my head and left the room as she asked "That's never happened to you?"
Um, no, it hasn't. That wiley spring has never bested me and now I know to be even more cautious because she'd hold something like that over my head for a lifetime. I'll forget in a week.
For a classier take on things, check out the vast collection of photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. Something new every damn day!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Who used the restroom before me?
"Wow it smells in here. I must be in the wrong restroom."
As I opened the door, I peeked around it expecting to see a graphical depiction of an elephant with the phrase "ELEPHANT" below it. Nope, it says "MEN". I'm apparently in the correct place.
"This just isn't right. There are two cans of Oust air sanitizer here, there's no reason for it to smell this terrible. It's a hate crime for any place inhabited by civilized humans to smell this bad. Did someone tape a dead fish under the counter?"
I decided to crouch down and verify the potential rotting seafood scenario. It didn't pan out.
"My skin is beginning to itch. This has to be some sort of insidious chemical attack. What kind of bastard would carry out a chemical attack on a restroom in a suburban office building?"
I investigated as much as one can investigate a 7 foot square room and found nothing out of the ordinary that would even lead one to believe that a chemical attack was underway.
"Someone must have upper-deckered in here."
Afraid to pop the cover off of the toilet tank, I hurriedly went about my business and wondered to myself, "who used the restroom before me?"
MinnPics is back after a warm Minnesota weekend with another week of stunning photos from all corners of the state.
As I opened the door, I peeked around it expecting to see a graphical depiction of an elephant with the phrase "ELEPHANT" below it. Nope, it says "MEN". I'm apparently in the correct place.
"This just isn't right. There are two cans of Oust air sanitizer here, there's no reason for it to smell this terrible. It's a hate crime for any place inhabited by civilized humans to smell this bad. Did someone tape a dead fish under the counter?"
I decided to crouch down and verify the potential rotting seafood scenario. It didn't pan out.
"My skin is beginning to itch. This has to be some sort of insidious chemical attack. What kind of bastard would carry out a chemical attack on a restroom in a suburban office building?"
I investigated as much as one can investigate a 7 foot square room and found nothing out of the ordinary that would even lead one to believe that a chemical attack was underway.
"Someone must have upper-deckered in here."
Afraid to pop the cover off of the toilet tank, I hurriedly went about my business and wondered to myself, "who used the restroom before me?"
MinnPics is back after a warm Minnesota weekend with another week of stunning photos from all corners of the state.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Water, softening and the headaches they cause
Rarely do I get truly scared about something but this is one of those times. Let's take a step back a few years to when we bought our house. It was the coldest day in January waaaaay back in 2005. We closed on the house on the only day which had snowfall and it was as close to a blizzard as we've had in this part of Minnesota for quite some time.
The first full day in our house found me making two trips back to my old apartment to pick up the last remnants of our stuff and return the trailer I had rented. I also picked up some softener salt because, dammit, a water softener needs salt. I remember grabbing six bags because I was there and I had a relative's truck. I made my way back home and deposited the bags of salt into the softener. All was working well.
Then about a year ago I noticed that the water felt hard. I was all too familiar with this due to the fact that while growing up on a farm, the hard and rusty well water would sometimes wreak havoc on the softener in the basement. My dad eventually became well accustomed to the quirks of it and could muddle through the mechanics of this foreign device on his own and save literally hundreds of dollars in service calls and expert repairs. He, of course, became my lifeline as I looked for help with my own water softener. Whatever I did worked. The softener started sucking up salt again and we had soft water.
Then this past winter the water became hard again. I noticed more moisture than usual on the concrete floor and upon popping the lid off of the softener's brine tank I found it to be totally full of water. It had been overflowing with each regeneration - spilling water on to the floor and down the floor drain (eventually).
Since that time the water softener had wobbled between hard and soft water and because of the wife's leg lotion consumption, I am at a breaking point. I am confident after looking through some similar owner's manuals I found online that I can remove the valve assemble of the water softener control module and I have a good idea of what the problem is.
This is where my fear comes in. What if I get the whole thing disassembled and because of the lack of any discernible model number (and the owner's manual being M.I.A.) can't get parts? What if I break the whole damn thing in a fit of frustration? What if I lose some integral part in my hasty disassembly as the wife makes me sweat while asking aloud "are you done yet?" or "do you know what you're doing?"? Or what if I fix the whole thing and can't get it reassembled? Those, my fellow do-it-yourselfers, are my fears.
Some people had better weekends than mine and they can be seen on MinnPics. Check it out!
The first full day in our house found me making two trips back to my old apartment to pick up the last remnants of our stuff and return the trailer I had rented. I also picked up some softener salt because, dammit, a water softener needs salt. I remember grabbing six bags because I was there and I had a relative's truck. I made my way back home and deposited the bags of salt into the softener. All was working well.
Then about a year ago I noticed that the water felt hard. I was all too familiar with this due to the fact that while growing up on a farm, the hard and rusty well water would sometimes wreak havoc on the softener in the basement. My dad eventually became well accustomed to the quirks of it and could muddle through the mechanics of this foreign device on his own and save literally hundreds of dollars in service calls and expert repairs. He, of course, became my lifeline as I looked for help with my own water softener. Whatever I did worked. The softener started sucking up salt again and we had soft water.
Then this past winter the water became hard again. I noticed more moisture than usual on the concrete floor and upon popping the lid off of the softener's brine tank I found it to be totally full of water. It had been overflowing with each regeneration - spilling water on to the floor and down the floor drain (eventually).
Since that time the water softener had wobbled between hard and soft water and because of the wife's leg lotion consumption, I am at a breaking point. I am confident after looking through some similar owner's manuals I found online that I can remove the valve assemble of the water softener control module and I have a good idea of what the problem is.
This is where my fear comes in. What if I get the whole thing disassembled and because of the lack of any discernible model number (and the owner's manual being M.I.A.) can't get parts? What if I break the whole damn thing in a fit of frustration? What if I lose some integral part in my hasty disassembly as the wife makes me sweat while asking aloud "are you done yet?" or "do you know what you're doing?"? Or what if I fix the whole thing and can't get it reassembled? Those, my fellow do-it-yourselfers, are my fears.
Some people had better weekends than mine and they can be seen on MinnPics. Check it out!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The problem with bathrooms
They smell bad. That's the short version but I will gladly elaborate.
Bathrooms, by nature, are small and enclosed spaces - often without windows for ventilation. Their small nature only exacerbates the smell factor. Throw in a tightly-closed door and you have a recipe for ofactory disaster.
Then I had a revelation of sorts. I hiked up my britches, washed my hands and jotted down my brilliant idea. "Open air, no door, larger"
Those three thoughts say it all. Bathrooms need to be more luxurious, sprawling spaces. The larger space would give more volume for the stink molecules to dissipate and leaving off the door - maybe even a wall or two - would only serve to better air out the previously cramped bathroom. My figures indicate that the average American spends approximately 93 minutes each day tending to one sort of business or another in the confines of their home or workplace bathroom. That is virtually wasted time. You aren't actively carrying on a conversation because the door is closed or the exhaust fan is running. Imagine life in your new bathroom separated by only a sheer curtain from the person you are conversing with. A wide-open window effectively bringing the outdoors in as cute bluebirds chirp in the distance. Hey, it sure beats the nuisance of a loud bathroom ventilation fan, doesn't it?
Sure, my concept was written off as "the dumbest thing ever" by my old lady but wouldn't you trade 93 minutes each day in the cramped confines of your current bathroom for the all new bathroom of the future? I would - construction has already begun. I invite any curious parties to stroll by and check things out - I'll be the guy looking out the large picture window with his pants around his ankles enjoying the spring breeze unencumbered by a door.
MinnPics. The name says it all. Photos about Minnesota. Check it out now.
Bathrooms, by nature, are small and enclosed spaces - often without windows for ventilation. Their small nature only exacerbates the smell factor. Throw in a tightly-closed door and you have a recipe for ofactory disaster.
Then I had a revelation of sorts. I hiked up my britches, washed my hands and jotted down my brilliant idea. "Open air, no door, larger"
Those three thoughts say it all. Bathrooms need to be more luxurious, sprawling spaces. The larger space would give more volume for the stink molecules to dissipate and leaving off the door - maybe even a wall or two - would only serve to better air out the previously cramped bathroom. My figures indicate that the average American spends approximately 93 minutes each day tending to one sort of business or another in the confines of their home or workplace bathroom. That is virtually wasted time. You aren't actively carrying on a conversation because the door is closed or the exhaust fan is running. Imagine life in your new bathroom separated by only a sheer curtain from the person you are conversing with. A wide-open window effectively bringing the outdoors in as cute bluebirds chirp in the distance. Hey, it sure beats the nuisance of a loud bathroom ventilation fan, doesn't it?
Sure, my concept was written off as "the dumbest thing ever" by my old lady but wouldn't you trade 93 minutes each day in the cramped confines of your current bathroom for the all new bathroom of the future? I would - construction has already begun. I invite any curious parties to stroll by and check things out - I'll be the guy looking out the large picture window with his pants around his ankles enjoying the spring breeze unencumbered by a door.
MinnPics. The name says it all. Photos about Minnesota. Check it out now.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
El bano
4/6/09
If you drop one off in the men’s room that smells like a digested but full ash tray, have the damn decency to spray the air freshener sitting on the vanity.
2/26/09
The men’s restroom at my office smells like hard-boiled eggs - and not in a good way.
9/30/08
Our restroom at work smells like a long-haul trucker whose diet has consisted of nothing but uncooked canned chili just shit for the first time since Labor Day and did so in the floor drain. Please, use some air freshener next time. It’s right there on the counter.
These are the archived Random Thoughts I've shared on my other blog (to your right) in the past few months pertaining to the restroom at my office. The reason leads us to the upcoming unveiling of yet another interesting website idea. Stew on that for a while.
If you drop one off in the men’s room that smells like a digested but full ash tray, have the damn decency to spray the air freshener sitting on the vanity.
2/26/09
The men’s restroom at my office smells like hard-boiled eggs - and not in a good way.
9/30/08
Our restroom at work smells like a long-haul trucker whose diet has consisted of nothing but uncooked canned chili just shit for the first time since Labor Day and did so in the floor drain. Please, use some air freshener next time. It’s right there on the counter.
These are the archived Random Thoughts I've shared on my other blog (to your right) in the past few months pertaining to the restroom at my office. The reason leads us to the upcoming unveiling of yet another interesting website idea. Stew on that for a while.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Toilet, john, loo, crapper... they all stink
Yesterday I wrote here about the facilities at my office. Was I over-exaggerating? I tend to think I wasn't. Actually quite the opposite. This was being rather lenient.
In my time on this vast blue marble, I have experienced some pretty foul restrooms. There was a time at a bowling alley that I drunkenly meandered into the bathroom only to realize that the floor was entirely soaked in urine. Yes, piss. What kind of heathen would do such a thing? "Hey, that urinal is waaaay over there so why not try to piss down the floor drain? Oh, I missed, I think I'll just keep going."
Etiquette in the bathroom -- especially a public one -- is of the utmost importance. Sure, sometimes at home I get berated because -- as my wife says -- "It smells like a woodland animal is decaying in there. What did you do and why didn't you spray?" So what? I forget to spritz the room with the ever-present can of Lysol. Maybe I should light a candle too. But then there's the hazard of all that odor, a spark and the matter of a full-on bathroom explosion and I don't want to be that guy who blew up his house due to a series of unfortunate mishaps in the bathroom that could have been prevented by not lighting that candle. That's one interview with the local newspaper I don't want to have.
"Could you explain to me how tonight's events unfolded, sir?"
"I pooped, I flushed, I sprayed, I lit the candle, then BOOOOM!"
"I see. And what prompted you to light the candle?"
(Me pointing at my old lady)
See, it's a short but embarrassing interview.
Am I alone here in worrying about blowing the sid eof my house off in a series of unfortunate pooping-related events or am I just disturbed?
In my time on this vast blue marble, I have experienced some pretty foul restrooms. There was a time at a bowling alley that I drunkenly meandered into the bathroom only to realize that the floor was entirely soaked in urine. Yes, piss. What kind of heathen would do such a thing? "Hey, that urinal is waaaay over there so why not try to piss down the floor drain? Oh, I missed, I think I'll just keep going."
Etiquette in the bathroom -- especially a public one -- is of the utmost importance. Sure, sometimes at home I get berated because -- as my wife says -- "It smells like a woodland animal is decaying in there. What did you do and why didn't you spray?" So what? I forget to spritz the room with the ever-present can of Lysol. Maybe I should light a candle too. But then there's the hazard of all that odor, a spark and the matter of a full-on bathroom explosion and I don't want to be that guy who blew up his house due to a series of unfortunate mishaps in the bathroom that could have been prevented by not lighting that candle. That's one interview with the local newspaper I don't want to have.
"Could you explain to me how tonight's events unfolded, sir?"
"I pooped, I flushed, I sprayed, I lit the candle, then BOOOOM!"
"I see. And what prompted you to light the candle?"
(Me pointing at my old lady)
See, it's a short but embarrassing interview.
Am I alone here in worrying about blowing the sid eof my house off in a series of unfortunate pooping-related events or am I just disturbed?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
It's what missing from your tortilla chip
I am living proof that the best ideas are born in the bathroom. It happens all the time at work. I'll be stuck in the middle of a project that finds me short of inspiration and creativity and that trip to the restroom is just the ticket to drive in the winning run -- so to speak.
I don't know if the topic of tortilla chips is anything earth-shattering but it came to me in the bathroom. Think about the plethora of chip varieties for a moment. Most major grocery stores have the better portion of an entire aisle dedicated to chips derived from either the potato or corn as well as their second cousins; the pretzel and a variety of cheesy puffs and doodles.
Did all of those products exist in my childhood a mere twenty or so years ago? I don't think so. Yeah, I remember Tater Skins being around but kettle cooked Old Dutch potato chips which are heaven to me as a rare treat weren't around (to the best of my knowledge) 20 or 25 years ago. Maybe this expanse of chip variety just wasn't on my radar.
Growing up, we were the type that picked up the basic white box with black type for our potato chip needs. They were, and still are, a luxury item but the chip conglomerates that rule the grocery game (I'm looking at you Frito Lay) are hell-bent on changing that. It's not just the lowly and basic potato that they have doctored up by adding sour cream, chives, onions, cheese, pepper, pickles, sausage (it's coming), steak, jalapenos and other items I can't even fathom but now the final frontier is being bastardized by the greed mongers at the multi-national chip conglomerates.
Yes, the basic tortilla chip. I'm a fan of them. The basic corn tortilla (I prefer yellow) is fabulous with the right type of salsa. By "right" I mean something other than Old Dutch or Frito Lay salsa. My favorite Mexican restaurant, Fajita Republic in Shakopee, makes the best fresh-made tortilla chips I've ever tasted. They are something of a religious experience to me when paired with their house blend salsa. But that simplicity is in danger.
The latest trend of the suits and chemists at Frito Lay is to basically ruin the tortilla chip as we know it. They've added "a hint" of lime to one offshoot of their white corn round tortilla chips. And by "a hint" they mean a whole fuck load of lime -- possibly an entire tree's worth of limes.
With that development, and here's the part that came to me in the bathroom, it can only be a matter of time until the destruction of the tortilla chip is complete. How soon until we find salsa-infused tortilla chips lining the racks of the chip aisle at Cub Foods, Rainbow, Super Target, Wal-Mart, Piggly Wiggly, IGA or whatever bizarrely-named grocer is popular in your corner of the USA? But it wouldn't be just one flavor of salsa infused into the chips. That would be too simple. There'd be half a dozen varieties of salsa ranging from mild (boring) to five-alarm picante (goodbye body hair).
Would you fall for this scam or would you protest in the streets? Why wait? Demand that the integrity of the tortilla chip be preserved! Contact your representatives in congress today!
I don't know if the topic of tortilla chips is anything earth-shattering but it came to me in the bathroom. Think about the plethora of chip varieties for a moment. Most major grocery stores have the better portion of an entire aisle dedicated to chips derived from either the potato or corn as well as their second cousins; the pretzel and a variety of cheesy puffs and doodles.
Did all of those products exist in my childhood a mere twenty or so years ago? I don't think so. Yeah, I remember Tater Skins being around but kettle cooked Old Dutch potato chips which are heaven to me as a rare treat weren't around (to the best of my knowledge) 20 or 25 years ago. Maybe this expanse of chip variety just wasn't on my radar.
Growing up, we were the type that picked up the basic white box with black type for our potato chip needs. They were, and still are, a luxury item but the chip conglomerates that rule the grocery game (I'm looking at you Frito Lay) are hell-bent on changing that. It's not just the lowly and basic potato that they have doctored up by adding sour cream, chives, onions, cheese, pepper, pickles, sausage (it's coming), steak, jalapenos and other items I can't even fathom but now the final frontier is being bastardized by the greed mongers at the multi-national chip conglomerates.
Yes, the basic tortilla chip. I'm a fan of them. The basic corn tortilla (I prefer yellow) is fabulous with the right type of salsa. By "right" I mean something other than Old Dutch or Frito Lay salsa. My favorite Mexican restaurant, Fajita Republic in Shakopee, makes the best fresh-made tortilla chips I've ever tasted. They are something of a religious experience to me when paired with their house blend salsa. But that simplicity is in danger.
The latest trend of the suits and chemists at Frito Lay is to basically ruin the tortilla chip as we know it. They've added "a hint" of lime to one offshoot of their white corn round tortilla chips. And by "a hint" they mean a whole fuck load of lime -- possibly an entire tree's worth of limes.
With that development, and here's the part that came to me in the bathroom, it can only be a matter of time until the destruction of the tortilla chip is complete. How soon until we find salsa-infused tortilla chips lining the racks of the chip aisle at Cub Foods, Rainbow, Super Target, Wal-Mart, Piggly Wiggly, IGA or whatever bizarrely-named grocer is popular in your corner of the USA? But it wouldn't be just one flavor of salsa infused into the chips. That would be too simple. There'd be half a dozen varieties of salsa ranging from mild (boring) to five-alarm picante (goodbye body hair).
Would you fall for this scam or would you protest in the streets? Why wait? Demand that the integrity of the tortilla chip be preserved! Contact your representatives in congress today!
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