An all-out Olympic orgy

Sometime I just can't stop beating the proverbial dead horse. This is one of those times.

Sure, the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, China ended nearly a week ago but that doesn't mean that we have to stop enjoying the mildly hilarious photos which aren't nearly as dirty, pornographic or sexual in nature as they seem to be. (h/t)

Seriously, though, the folks at College Humor can do better than these rather weak offerings and I'm sure you can too. Right?


If you readers can't do better, I swear to God that I'll come back with some gratuitious Olympic nipple or camel toe photos so fast it'll make your head spin.

Wisconsinite arrested for loving up on a couch

Yeah, I can see this guy in the photo above, Gerald Streator, getting it on with a couch. He looks the part and being that he was caught in the act in Waukesha, Wisconsin I am leaning towards him being rather guilty of the act. I don't know what the laws are in Wisconsin but being that the couch is obviously unable of consenting to his sexual proposition, could he be facing rape charges? h/t

It just flew in to the toilet

When I heard tools banging around in the bathroom this morning, I just had to find out what was going on behind that closed door.

When I opened the door, I found my old lady hunched over the tub holding the handle of my Channel Lock pliers in one hand and a bottle of bleach-filled shower cleaner in the other. She had just foamed up the business end of the pliers when I asked "Um, what happened?"

"It just flew in to the toilet" she said.

Of course I had to ask what flew in to the toilet and how this involved my Channel Lock pliers.

"The springy toilet paper roll thingy" was the answer she gave me.

Ah, so that's the technical name, I thought to myself as I asked "How in the hell did that happen?"

It turns out that she was being courteous and replacing the empty roll of toilet paper and the "springy toilet paper thingy" actually has wings and used them to take a cold dip in the old Kohler dump-be-gone.

I just shook my head and left the room as she asked "That's never happened to you?"

Um, no, it hasn't. That wiley spring has never bested me and now I know to be even more cautious because she'd hold something like that over my head for a lifetime. I'll forget in a week.

For a classier take on things, check out the vast collection of photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. Something new every damn day!

Food I've never eaten

I'm something of an anomaly. I'll eat copious amounts of most anything you put in front of me but the things I've never eaten would make most people wonder if I'm acutally human (I am).

I've never eaten a McDonald's Big Mac sandwich. For one, I don't really trust much outside of the breakfast items - especially after a friend of mine from high school freaked out in the passenger seat of my car because he insisted that his Chicken McNugget contained a cyst and he had just bitten in to it. Even if his freak out was crazy, that sort of sealed the deal. Plus, I don't trust their slimy beef - I'm sure it has either soy or shredded newspapers in it as fillers. And the special sauce, I don't care what it is - good beef (which this clearly isn't) doesn't need to be covered in some mystery sauce to make it palatable.

A staple of kids all over America - which may explain the obesity problem - is macaroni and cheese. It's also something I've never once eaten. I don't trust cheese - powdered or melted - from a pouch. It goes against nature and that may be another reason why kids are little fatties. I don't care what my old lady says, even if her mac & cheese is the best thing this side of sex, I'm having nothing to do with it.

Mayonnaise. It just seems so unnatural to me. Really, who thought to themselves one day "Hey, I'm gonna combine oil and eggs and spread it on my sammich"? That's just fucked up when you break it down like that. Those are two items that, separately, have no business being near a sandwich but people, for whatever reason, think it's perfectly fine to slather them on their white bread and bologna sammich and gobble the crap right up. Again, I'm steering clear of it.

There are plenty more foods I've never eaten that are totally normal to most Americans but for the sake of time I'm ending it here for now. Am I strange for never eating these staples of Americana? Am I alone in omitting rather common foods from my diet?

Are you sick of this and would rather soak in the beauty of some amazing photos of Minnesota. Check out MinnPics for the latest photos!

An innovation in wiping technology

Have you ever cringed at the thought of having to wipe your own ass? Does it disgust you to have your digits so close to the local sewage treatment plant? Are you unable to reach all the way back to your gaping ass crack?

If so, Comfort Wipe is for you.



Ah, where to begin?

If you need a wand to attach your toilet paper to, you have more problems than can be solved by a toilet paper holding wand. And if you're too big to reach around your own body, you probably do need to poop more but throw in some exercise too. Am I alone in finding this extremely disgusting?

Now that you're thouroughly disgusted, hop on over to MinnPics and check out the photos from across Minnesota taken by ultra-talented Minnesotans. Don't forget about the huge MinnPics first birthday week beginning July 7th. It's HUGE!

Thank You Craigslist

It's amazing what you can find on Craigslist - especially when you're not really looking for it.

After a family thing yesterday, I was amazed at how much the baby liked her cousin's swing. She seemed almost angry when we plucked her out of it. It made me realize that I'm going to need a backyard swing sooner rather than later.

That is where the Craigslist search came in. A simple search for "swing" in the for sale items brought up 1,000 items. But it was this one that jumped out at me.

Original Love/sex Swing

4 legs. Stands about 6.5ft tall.

Comfortably holds 200lbs.

Paint chipping from legs, only cosmetic. does not come in original package.

Cash only, pickup only. Maplewood by lower afton and mcknight.

Will delete posting when item gone.

I don't care how thrifty a person is, it takes a different type of person to buy someone's used sex swing. That's like picking up a used vibrator at a garage sale. It's a line that shouldn't be crossed.

MinnPics is devoid of most things odd and sexual and has big things planned during it's first birthday week beginning July 6th.

Searching for Mary Louise's big nipples (SFW)

I always find it interesting what people are Googling. Today's results as of 9 AM were rather odd to say the least.

Apparently Mary Louise shows off her huge nipples. I found myself wondering just who Mary Louise is and how enormous her nipples are but I have some restraint (thankfully) and will probably forget about this search in a couple hours and it will fall off of the Google Trends chart too.

A bit further down I was made aware that the huge nipples apparently belong to Mary Louise Parker and her big nipples were photographed and prominently displayed somewhere and have obviously been talked about quite a lot - probably on Top 40 Radio morning shows because that's the kind of hot topic they thrive on.

A simple Google search reveals that the photos are probably from her series, Weeds on Showtime where she doesn't mind doing nude scenes and having seen a few episodes of Weeds I have to say that this 44 year-old is smokin' hot and is probably the envy of many teenagers in her fictional neighborhood from the series where she peddles pot as a living from her suburban McMansion.

And now that you are in the mood for photos, check out MinnPics which features all things Minnesota.

Bad family photos

I don't think I've ever been a aprt of a "family" photo. I despise being in front of the camera because it's not me. I make myself busy behind the camera in an effort to make the subjects of the photo look natural and comfortable and have fun.

Then I see photos like these. The person taking crap photos like this should be beaten mercilessly but that kind of punishment would put an end to such atrocious photos as these. The posing is horribly forced and everything about the photos are bad. Laugh if you like.

One or two people leaning on their fist is borderline okay but a group of five being forced, probably against their will, to rest their chin on their fist is bad... or funny... But in the end it makes for an awkward family photo.

This family must be part monkey because there is no way anyone else would climb a tree only to be posed riding a large tree branch. Maybe in the photographer's head it seemed like a kick-ass idea but when put on paper it looks like another awkward family photo that we can all snicker at.

For photos that don't suck, check out MinnPics.

It's a tennis court - for zombies

Nearly every day myself and the rest of the office drones in my department use on of our 15 minutes breaks. It builds employee morale when it seems, at times, that each day could be our last and it gives us a chance to get somewhat in shape. It gets tough sitting in a chair straining to be creative for 7.5 hours a day, 4.75 days each week.

I had seen the rectangular, fenced-in area since day one. It sits behind some rather non-descript townhomes alongside a drainage channel where the recreational trail is. The chainlink fence seems out of place to begin with and it made me wonder. What exactly is this area meant for?

I immediately recognized its proportions as that of a tennis court then, as the gerbil got back on the wheel, I put two and two together. Chainlink fence plus a tennis court-sized area obviously equals zombie tennis. It's a logical way to both keep the brain-hungry zombies contained and entertained because even zombies get bored.

I could immediately picture the arguments between zombie players and the zombie line judge. Zombie tennis full of mishaps including, but not limited to, arms still attached to the racket hurdling end over end because zombies are always losing limbs; zombie tennis players viciously biting other players and the zombies endlessly walking against the fence in their futile attempts at escape but still not being able to figure out the climbing the lowly three foot-tall fence would lead to their escape and plenty of precious brains.

Normalcy isn't a bad thing so go check out the non-warped side of my work at MinnPics where you can appreciate the hundreds of photos which I have already showcased and wait patiently for what's next.

Toothy raccoon bit off manhood

This headline is precisely why I like British newspapers. They hold nothing back but also leave you wanting to read the story and find out the reason behind a raccoon chomping off some British dude's penis.

They went as far as identifying the man as a "pervert who was trying to rape the animal". It's no surprise that the guy was drunk, though. It is susprising that he didn't hail from Coon Rapids or Wisconsin because around these parts, that's where people get randy with wildlife.

What truly is surprising is that plastic surgeons are working to repair the damage. Why, though, would they fix this guy's penis? He's just going to try and sex up a raccoon again.

While things here seem to be spiraling down the drain, MinnPics is still classy with daily photos showcasing the life and times of Minnesotans via photographs. Check it out for the latest great photo!

Things that will wake you up

Have you ever been woken up in the middle of the night by something out of the ordinary? I'm not talking about seemingly normal things like a knock at the door or a phone call, I talking weird stuff.

A few weeks ago, a sound similar to a cannon shot heard from the hill behind our house woke me up late on a Saturday night. I wrote it off as a moonlight Civil War reenactment.

Last night at just before 12:09 AM I was awakened by a screeching baby monitor. This was due to the electricity at our house going out. I wrote this off on a combination of wind, ice and some jackass driver thinking that four wheel drive means shit on ice-covered highways.

Then there was the creepy chime noise always heard late at night on the weekends when we were home and awake. Later on it was noticed that the chime noise happened at Midnight. Even later it was found out to be the alarm on my iPod. I've never set the alarm but maybe it was trying to tell me something.

Again last night, after the electricity vanished from our rather cold house (it was -10 degrees or colder outside) I was kept awake by the snowplow clearing the neighborhood streets. I have much appreciation for clean streets but starting the job at Midnight is a little too gung-ho.

What odd sounds/events have made you sit up in bed and wonder "what in the hell was that?"

And just because half of Minnesota is taking a snow/cold day, that doesn't mean that MinnPics is taking the day off. Check out the best photography in the Northstar state right now or I'll have my neighbor move his canon to your back yard for a special wake-up call.

Craziest search term yet

Vaginal discarge - day 19

If you are looking here for the answer to your dripping vagina, you have stumbled across the wrong place. And secondly, why did you take over a minute to peruse the page you landed on for an answer? I may be a self-professed vagina expert but when it comes to discharge, seek professional help. Especially after 19 days.

Product idea #218

Do you suffer from embarrassing forehead sweat? Are you forever sick of the stinging sensation from that forehead sweat pouring into your eyes as you complete those outdoor summer tasks? I know I am.

That's why I've taken the patented Head On headache relief stick concept and created Head On Brow Antiperspirant. Yes, from the same company that has brought you headache relief in a stick that you know and trust comes a brow sweat suppressant that takes the sting out of your outdoor activities.
Head On Brow Antiperspirant is proven in clinical tests to reduce brow sweat by up to 90% and this prescription strength forehead formula will put an end to embarrassing sweat droplets staining your favorite Motorhead t-shirt.

You can purchase Head On Brow Antiperspirant at the following retailers.

Brow Antiperspirant is great and all but aren't photos from Minnesota's best photographers better. Check out MinnPics for the best photos daily.

Product idea #594

Depend Crazy Astro Undies. Perfect for the crazy astronaut on the go and inspired by Lisa Nowak. If you're driving cross-country to cut up a woman who's getting all up on your man, you don't need to be stopping to take toilet breaks. Toilet breaks are for the unemployed and you're a go-getter. You're on the go and you've got crazy schemes to carry out with all that rubber tubing in the trunk and that brand new Craftsman hacksaw tucked under the passenger seat. These Depend Crazy Astro Undies hold a whopping 64 ounces of liquid or solid waste matter without leaking a drop and keep you as dry as the Nevada desert.

Sure, there aren't any crazy astronauts at MinnPics but there are fabulous photos from Minnesota photographers so check it out!

Another poorly thought out product

Today in the open-ended series of bad product ideas...
Aveeno Pubic Slightly Scented Wash & Shampoo doesn't need much explanation. Hell, the decorative badge on the bottle says it all... "Gentle Removal of Crotch Critters". But is it safe to use if you don't have any crotch critters? Hell yes. It's safe for your entire body and it's gentle enough for your pubic area regardless of its current status. Whether it's hardwood floor territory or a curly jungle, if you're concerned with pubic cleanliness (and who isn't?) this is what you've been waiting for! Pick up a bottle of Aveeno Pubic today. Available at such fine retailers as K-Mart, Osco Drug, Pamida and many Ben Franklin stores.

And you can find cool photos from across Minnesota at MinnPics. Not available at Osco Drug.

Is Walmart really that erotic?

How can you tell when a new Walmart store opens? Well, in Austin, Minnesota they get downright excited. Hell, they get so damn excited that they fondle themselves out in the parking lot in anticipation of the plethora of low prices just past the aged greeter. I wish I was making this up but this, folks, is where I grew up.

Be sure to visit MinnPics where the photos are exciting but not fondle yourself exciting... or are they?

Don't hassle "The Hoff"

If you are sick of MySpace and Facebook and their entire lot of shortcomings, you might consider a switch to Hoffpsace -- yes, the penultimate definition of a washed-up loser, David Hasselhoff, has launched his own social networking website. Oh, it's real. But, be warned, if you dare hassle the Hoff, he's soooo delete your ass as a friend.

Who else feels that this is one of the signs of the impending apocalypse?

Damn, that's some tasty kraut

It was once cabbage. It stinks. It's German.

Of course it's sauerkraut and each year the exurb of Henderson, Minnesota (southwest of Minneapolis) celebrates the vile crap with their town festival named appropriately enough Sauerkraut Days. And I made it there on Sunday to witness the spectacle that is the sauerkraut eating contest. Two pounds of kraut, ten eager contestants (one of whom was a female) and plenty of preparation (beer).

Oh, hell, just watch the slideshow.



The winner took down the two pounds of kraut (he said without chewing it) in 60 seconds flat. See, it's disgusting, right?

It's hip to be square

I'll start by apologizing for actually writing that title. I feel dirty. And lame. But mostly lame. Secondly, Costco (the alternate universe's version of Sam's Club for those unfamiliar with it) rolled out (not really) one gallon milk containers in a square format.

I guess before I go in to how uber creepy it is to drink liquids out of a square container, I'll applaud them for doing what has been done with half gallon cartons (made out of waxed cardboard, remember?) for as long as I've graced this earth with my presence. It makes sense, hell, now I'll be able to cram about six gallons of milk on to one of those funky split shelves in my stainless steel Amana ice box as opposed to four and change before this "innovation". (But where is the spout? I smell a "Good Question", DeRusha.)

But now for what it creeps me out. Square shapes creep the shit out of me. Humans aren't square. Cows aren't square. Why should humans ingest something from a cow which is conveyed in what is essentially a square container? It just isn't natural. It's sort of like square watermelons.

My neighbor, a great source of humor

Every day at my house has a certain level of excitement. Of course people have different definitions of excitement but mine is equal with bungee jumping with a frayed bungee cord over a pad of solid cement. That's just how I roll.

Last night, though, was no different. It was a special, fun-filled evening at Casa De Sornie as I walked upstairs to one of our house's back bedrooms and witnessed something I had only heard of before (via the old lady).

It was our rahter odd (crazy) neighbor behind us mowing his "lawn" (a patch of various weeds littered with piles of retaining wall blocks, landscaping timbers, patio pavers and dog shit) that hasn't moved in the over three years we've owned this house. Now some are thinking "what the holy hell is funny about some hillbilly mowing his lawn?" Well, picture a guy wearing a threadbare muscle shirt and sweatpant-style shorts pushing his landmower with one hand around the various obstacles he hasn't move in well over three years as he struggles to not chop up the electrical cord powering his lawnmower.

First off, kudos to Senor Insanity for doing his part to avoid using a miniscule amount of gasoline. Secondly, who actually thought that an electrical cord combined with a quickly rotating and sharp metal blade was a good idea?

Apparently, Captain Crazy thought this was the best way to spend a couple hundred bucks from his steady flow of cash he somehow receives from not having a job.

To us, it was laugh therapy to see him throwing the cord about, keeping the mower from rolling over the various piles of crap on his "lawn" and hearing him, over the noise of the mower, cussing and cursing various things but nothing clearly discernible and even possibly having some sort of person to person conversation although nobody else was present.

I'll end this by saying it was hard to stifle my laughter after I had already finished mowing my lawn. Hell, Commandant Bonkers would have been better served by a push reel mower. See, I really do have a crazy neighbor. If only I had the foresight to snap some undercover, papparazzi-style photos.