First off, the swine flu name is misleading and secondly it is apparently in Minnesota. According to a rather vague article in the Star-Tribune, a teen at a Cold Spring, Minnesota middle school is sick with something at least resembling the "swine" flu. It, the, can onle be a matter of time before genius governor Tim Pawlenty circles the city of Cold Spring with the few remaining National Guardsmen who aren't in Afghanistan or Iraq. Well, at least they could circle a city block or two.
More important is what a coincidence it is that this outbreak has happened under the watch of a Democratic president. According to everyone's favorite source of just short of accurate information, Michele Bachmann, Barack Obama - like 70s predecessor Jimmy Carter, is responsible for this outbreak.
Hey, what this batshit-crazy woman says is the damn gospel so it must be true. But wait, that flu outbreak in the 70s actually happened while Gerald Ford was president so maybe Bachmann is wrong. Maybe...
Stay happy and visit MinnPics because photos have an amazing immune system.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
The pigs are coming to kill us
Apparently now we have one more thing to worry about. The swine flu. I'm not totally clear on this latest epidemic backed my a ton of media hype but here are the basics.
1.) If you have swine (pigs) sharing space with you in your living quarters, please move them to your basement or garage. Swine make excellent dwelling companions but spooning with them while sleeping is not recommended.
2.) Consumption of pork is fine as long as it is cooked at least to medium-rare. A warm, pink center (and what guy doesn't want that?) is the preferred level of doneness for all of your pork consumption needs.
3.) Fornication with swine should cease immediately. You'll be clear to resume your pig-fucking activities within mere weeks. Until that time, may I suggest a subscription to Naked Piggy Monthly.
4.) Blame China. China is the source of every scourge to land on our shores in the past decade or more. Think of it. Those damn Asian beetles? From China. The Emerald Ash Borer? From China. Lead-tainted toys? From China. The Daewoo brand of both cars and electronics? Pretty sure from China.
The best course of action is to ball yourself up in the fetal position and pray for mercy from our swine overlords. Or just check out MinnPics and drool over the purty photos.
1.) If you have swine (pigs) sharing space with you in your living quarters, please move them to your basement or garage. Swine make excellent dwelling companions but spooning with them while sleeping is not recommended.
2.) Consumption of pork is fine as long as it is cooked at least to medium-rare. A warm, pink center (and what guy doesn't want that?) is the preferred level of doneness for all of your pork consumption needs.
3.) Fornication with swine should cease immediately. You'll be clear to resume your pig-fucking activities within mere weeks. Until that time, may I suggest a subscription to Naked Piggy Monthly.
4.) Blame China. China is the source of every scourge to land on our shores in the past decade or more. Think of it. Those damn Asian beetles? From China. The Emerald Ash Borer? From China. Lead-tainted toys? From China. The Daewoo brand of both cars and electronics? Pretty sure from China.
The best course of action is to ball yourself up in the fetal position and pray for mercy from our swine overlords. Or just check out MinnPics and drool over the purty photos.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Make it STOP!
Winter hasn't released its deathgrip quite yet -- supposedly. The weather reports, if you believe those fear-mongers, state that the greater Twin Cities area could receive nearly a foot of snow starting tonight (Thursday) and lasting as long as Saturday morning. While I call shenanigans on this, the forecast did prompt the following e-mail memo in my office.
If the weather reports are correct, we could get 8-10" of snow and sleet starting tonight. The safety of staff members and getting [projects] out the door tomorrow morning are obvious concerns, so anything you can do to speed things up would be greatly appreciated. Please try to get as much as you can wrapped up today.
I'll believe the hype when I'm entombed in snow in my house tomorrow morning.
If the weather reports are correct, we could get 8-10" of snow and sleet starting tonight. The safety of staff members and getting [projects] out the door tomorrow morning are obvious concerns, so anything you can do to speed things up would be greatly appreciated. Please try to get as much as you can wrapped up today.
I'll believe the hype when I'm entombed in snow in my house tomorrow morning.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Weather doesn't equal fear
Just because local TV outlets are down one so-called weather terrorist with the firing of WCCO's Paul Douglas last week it doesn't mean that fear of the weather isn't alive and well in the Twin Cities. Yes, leave it to the local ink-stained wretches at the Star-Tribune to induce weather-related fear in the meek with a prominent (at least on the web) story about how a tornado could very well barrel through downtown Minneapolis. They even went as far as to include an ominous looking photo. It almost made me wet myself. Thank God I'm sporting Depends today.
Of course their reasoning is that a tornado struck downtown Atlanta, Georgia recently killing one and injuring dozens but these damn weather terrorists are getting to be a bit much. It seems that they've cozied up to our new found culture of fear in our post-9/11 world. Maybe the real terrorists, if George Bush stops looking behind the Oval Office curtains (for those mythical WMDs), are on our TV screens m midway through our 10 PM newscasts.
Maybe I'm fed up because I actually was intrigued by a History channel show called "Mega Disasters" which featured the impending doom of a modern day dustbowl in the western states. Maybe I'm fed up because even the smallest weather events are hyped beyond all believability. The fear mongers at FOX 9 are the worst of the bunch. Or maybe I'm fed up because the weather just happens. Whether we're prepared or not, it's coming and it's always changing. Yesterday was sunny at 65 degrees and there could be snow flakes for my Monday morning commute. It happens. It changes. Be prepared, don't be afraid. And if you are afraid, I have some extra Depends.
Of course their reasoning is that a tornado struck downtown Atlanta, Georgia recently killing one and injuring dozens but these damn weather terrorists are getting to be a bit much. It seems that they've cozied up to our new found culture of fear in our post-9/11 world. Maybe the real terrorists, if George Bush stops looking behind the Oval Office curtains (for those mythical WMDs), are on our TV screens m midway through our 10 PM newscasts.
Maybe I'm fed up because I actually was intrigued by a History channel show called "Mega Disasters" which featured the impending doom of a modern day dustbowl in the western states. Maybe I'm fed up because even the smallest weather events are hyped beyond all believability. The fear mongers at FOX 9 are the worst of the bunch. Or maybe I'm fed up because the weather just happens. Whether we're prepared or not, it's coming and it's always changing. Yesterday was sunny at 65 degrees and there could be snow flakes for my Monday morning commute. It happens. It changes. Be prepared, don't be afraid. And if you are afraid, I have some extra Depends.
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