Lady Gaga rocks face pearls, cameltoe?

I'll be damned if Lady Gaga didn't strike again at give America an entirely new look to critique. I'll give her credit for braving what New Yorkers are calling a "blizzard" wearing fishnets, a bikini, about 8 inch tall platform boots and a shitload of pearls glued to random areas of her body.

Sure, this is about as far from news as things can get but no matter what people think, she hasn't gotten to the top of the popular music mountain by being a talentless hack. Her music, while not for everybody, is legitimately popular. She sells singles via iTunes better than almost nobody else and she has dominated radio for the past year without taking a break.

The best I can come up with is that she's a distraction. During times like these (dank, cold weather following nearly endless snowfall; shitty economic situations; etc.) we would rather be distracted than reminded about our own pitiful lives and if that means visiting Huffington Post to look at Lady Gaga - a performance pop artist - and critique her latest "holy shit" fashion moment then so be it. I know I'd rather take a break and check out an attractive woman - yes, she is normal underneath all the make-up and bizarre outfits - than focus on the fact that my needs hundreds of dollars of repairs in the near future. Factor in that either Lady Gaga's sporting some camel toe or her pearl bikini bottom is somewhat wrinkled and awkwardly positioned and the photo above is the most perfect blogosphere fodder yet this week. (Take that George W. Bush billboard in Wyoming, MN!)

If you love photos - and who doesnt? - check out the best photos Minnesota has to offer at MinnPics!

A blog post about blogging for bloggers

Jeff from View from the Cloud wrote some helpful tips for new humor bloggers (which I am not) recently. His well-written post covers a wide variety of topics but basically tells new blogger not to take yourselves so damn seriously, remember that self-deprecating humor is nearly always a winner, have fun with it, don't get too damned long-winded and write about what you know. I'm always open for some help and inspiration because my job often times soaks up all of the creativity that I have and I'm left with nothing more than a stack of abnormally dry rice cakes when it comes to material for this here messy and confusing place.

However, I can do the whole "write what you know" thing. Take, for instance, Saturday afternoon. I was mowing the lawn wearing only my wife's frilly underthings. Now before you get all judgmental on me, I have to say that her lacey items are remarkably comfortable and kept me cool even under the scorching sun that was relentlessly beating down on my sunbaked lawn. Sure, the wife had the time of her life laughing up a storm and filming the whole series of events. As for the neighbors, I am sure I didn't make any new friends. To them, I say if you can't accept a modern man who is comfortable with himself in women's underthangs, close your damn curtains, shield your children's eyes and accept the fact that the neighborhood has finally gone to hell. Actually it was already going to hell over three years ago when we moved in but we were the final nail in that coffin.

All this great information and I didn't even break my "no more paragraphs than digits on my hand" rule because every time I break that rule I have promised myself that I'll have to watch an entire Carrot Top performance as punishment. Thank GOD I'm not terribly long-winded.

Have I made anyone wonder about the bulging guy in the lime green underthings? What's your favorite way to keep life fresh?

No, this self-promotion doesn't count against my rule but if you're looking for inspiration, check out work from the best photographers in the Land of 10,000 Lakes at MinnPics. It's like still life gold.

What would you do?

Everyone has random, sometimes weird thoughts. Most people shove them aside and focus on real life. Few actually act out on these bizarre thoughts but what if you could act out on these sometimes forbidden thoughts? What if there were no repercussions for your actions on these sometimes dangerous thoughts? What would you do?

I know for one thing I'd never go as far as wanting to see what it felt like to be shot somewhere in my body or stabbed somewhere either. Robbing a bank for the pure adrenaline rush might make my list but I'd probably end up vomiting on someone, thus ruining my perfectly executed heist.

Other random thoughts include running a car through a large plate glass window late at night, backing out and leaving a witty apology note which appears to be written by a well-known elected official.

Of course being given permission to break someone's arm would be interesting (do I have the strength for a nice, clean break) but having broke my small toe three separate times, broken bones aren't my cup of tea so this one's likely off my list as well.

I would like to build a catapult and try launching someone across a river but haven't the Mythbusters already done that?

Maybe all the good, random ideas have already been done but I have to wonder how random and reckless my readers are. Would you gun down that neighbor you despise? Laxative brownies anyone? Spill your most bizarre thought that you would follow though with if there were no repercussions.

This story is just nuts

Did you hear the one about the guy who had his testicles removed?

There's so many places one could go with a joke that begins like that but this one isn't a joke. A 62-year-old Twin Cities man, after being turned down by trusted medical professionals, sought out amateur ball removal specialists to aid in quelling what he had earlier described as "chronic pain" in that particular area.

I don't care how much pain my boys were causing me, I have a feeling that the pain of amateur nutectomy may be more than painful. Of course, desperate times...

Where, though, did the nearly social security aged man find the two or three "surgeons" to perform the procedure. I Googled testicle removal and fount no actual service providers. Maybe castration would be a better search but I hafta think local and nothing is more local than Dex. Supposedly, Dex knows but he knows nothing of castration in Minneapolis.

So where, then, did Joe Nonuts find a team of three to slice and dice his dangly bits? Craigslist, some shady guy hanging out near the entrance to the area hospital offering discount medical procedures or the always popular option of having your best friend do you a solid?

Whomever de-nutted him, they'll likely sell them (people sell everything) so keep a lookout on eBay for some fine Minnesota testicles. Maybe they'll go cheap.