If I ever had my own band

Sometimes my mind is a cluster of random thoughts. This occurred yesterday as we drove home from my parent's rural Austin, MN farm. Somewhere after Faribault I started blurting out possible band names. I then got even more descriptive and suggested possible musical stylings for these possible bands. The odd part is that my old lady and I fed off of each other. The names got increasingly dirty and profane and the musical stylings got increasingly descriptive. Here's a sampling...

Vag Doctor Collective (You see, it's a band consisting of OB/GYNs)

Double Donkey Punch (Google it)

Skullfuck (this one was long ago shot down by a friend's wife as being far to vulgar to ever be uttered again but still excellent for a bluegrass band)

Thursday Morning Shoeshine

The Greasemonkies

The Dandy Lions (See, it's a play on words but not a good one because I just explained it)

Eiffel Tower (Search it on Urban Dictionary)

Smashing Mailboxes (More damaging that simply smashing pumpkins and it's a federal crime - BONUS!)

Well, you get the picture. I could rattle these off for days but that would get old and it would cut in to the time you could spend drooling over photos from all over Minnesota at MinnPics. Seriously, check the place out.

My musical tastes should be locked up for bad behavior

My latest half-baked idea involved my vast but scary CD collection. Due to having a 15 month old in the house, the generally alphabetized nature of the collection is in a state of complete mayhem but that very mayhem lead me to this somewhat terrible idea.

My CD collection started around 1994. I spent too much money ammassing it and looking back it proves that my musical tastes have a bit of a checkered past (hey, I was young so shove it hipsters). Alright, my musical tastes sucked. But those terrible tastes make this latest idea that much more awesome.

One CD per day chosen at random from the somewhat massive CD shelving unit. The first CD I chose, after announcing my plan to my less than enthused wife (because I suggested that she participate as well) the first CD I chose - with a little help from the daughter - was by the world renowned band "Rednex" with the disc entitled "Sex and Violins". A classic in its own right.

Okay, so it's about as far from classic as anything could get but I look at this idea as making good for all the terrible music choices I've made in the past. It's sort of my musical pennance from the days before my musical tastes were refined and more accepted by fellow humans.

By the way, if you're unfamiliar with the band name "Rednex" but were near a radio in the mid 1990s and heard a song called "Cotton Eyed Joe", that's them. I apologize both for writing this and for buying that particular CD. Now I probably won't make it through my entire collection nor will I write about the boring details of each disc but I'll definitely point out the worst of the worst because it makes me that much more honest and relateable.

Both this blog and MinnPics took yesterday off but expect new photos at MinnPics at some point today because I love showcasing the best of the best in Minnesota photos!

Online gems

Every day, millions of professionally- and self-published items hit the internet and today I stumbled across two...

The first is from my old hometown's newspaper...

A 34-year-old Austin man was arrested Sunday for allegedly attacking another man with a chair leg.

The second one comes from a Craigslist ad...
sew my stupid ugly clothes back together (minneapolis, uptown)
i wear a lot of stupid ugly clothes. i am very particular about the stupid way that i dress, so when something like a pair of pants has a hole in the crotch, i am devastated. that being said, i am pretty devastated over a few pairs of pants. usually i have my mom sew them, but she lives out in bloomington and honestly, i feel she half-asses the job because she thinks i dress like her father did in the 1970s. she has a track record of (possibly intentionally) ruining my clothes, but i like to assume it is an accident because i dont like imagining that my mom is capable of being all cunning and mean.

i also have a shirt that needs a bit of alteration and a pair of pants that could use some shortening for my gnome-like legs.

if you can aid in this task, i will pay you money or take you to a local Chuck E. Cheese where you can play skee-ball while i cry about my childhood. you don't even have to do that good job a job - just make sure they stay together.

sincerely yours,
crotchhole jackson

Location: minneapolis, uptown
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: tell me how much you want and i'll tell you how much i want to give you. we will work out a number using a sophisticated spreadsheet my roommate can design because he's a dork.

Even more gems reside at MinnPics. I am sure something good was photographed this past cool weekend and I'll share it with you today!

Phrases to live by

It's probably not odd but for me, most of my best ideas are hatched in the bathroom or after midnight. Here are a few - try to figure out their birth place.

If you cut too many corners, you end up with a circle.

If you have time to do it wrong, you have time to do it right.

If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

You look like a horse.

To make a good burger, don't overbeat your meat.

The customer is always right except when they're wrong.

The Desperate Housewives are nothing but drunks, sluts and murderers.

If a movie is on SciFi, it's just not that good.

Every neighborhood has a hillbilly and if you don't think so, you might be the hillbilly.

Are there more? Maybe. Should you check out MinnPics and bite your nails in anticipation of the big 1st birthday blowout during the first full week of July? Definitely!

The thought purge - item 8

I likes me a good video. Especially when you can combine the Cleveland Cavaliers, VCRs and Detroit in to a catch tune.

The thought purge - item 7

Weathermen suck. It was supposed to be mostly cloudy today. I see blue sky above my window. Weatherman FAIL.

The thought purge - item 6

Oldies-type radio is like your favorite blanket you've had since you were two years old. It's old, it smells terrible and it's soooo fucking predictible yet some people can't let go of it. Sure, it's cool in random, small doses but if it's all you consume, like eating nothing but grapes, eventually your pee will smell funny and you'll die because variety is the staple of a balanced diet and living on grapes (oldies) really should leave you craving more. God, I am loving The Current (thecurrent.org) today.

The thought purge - item 5

I could definitely be a pimp - at least in the style department. Gawdy clothes are always fun and I already have been known to scream "Bitch, where's my money!?!"

The thought purge - item 4

I'm sort of sweating. But I'm inside. What the hell is wrong with me? Is it glandular? I'm going to check the thermostat in the office.

The thought purge - item 3

"Information funnels" suck. I'm more of a direct contact guy. And I'm thirsty. I should go grab a cupcake before they're all gone. Note the correct usage of "they're". Take note world.

The thought purge - item 1

Women have vaginal rejuvenation surgery to rejuvenate their vaginas, what's out there for guys? Is there some sort of scrotum lift?

The thought purge

My life is a series of short, often inarticulate thoughts that are interesting and thought provoking (at least to me). However, I rarely share them for fear of being written off as "crazy", "insane" or a "possible pedophile". Maybe I'm all of those, maybe I'm none of those. Whatever the case, I came up with a novel idea to share every random, sometimes disturbing thought that wandered through my mind. Maybe I'll do it just for the day and it will be done. Maybe I'll do it from time to time in recurring fashion. Whatever. Keep checking back incessantly to see what happens when I type without overthinking things. Raw. Disturbing. Odd. Quirky. Those words suck. Just humor me and keep chicking back to delve deeper into my personality.

Quote of the day

Yesterday my old lady returned home from work with a great story to share. She shared the world's most perfect quote with me that she had overheard earlier in the day...

There was a car of hoes. I mean fine-ass bitches.

5,000 points go to the person who can correctly nail down some details about the two persons who were discussing the topic of the day.

And while you're at it, check out MinnPics. Great photos tell great stories and Minnesota is full of them!

25 random things

Because I'm almost always late to the party and hate web memes, I thought that there wouldn't be a better time than a few months after the fury surrounding the "25 Random Things" which dominated Facebook and blogs had totally died down.

Here are my 25 random things. Mock at will.

1. I've had gray hair since I was 19.

2. One of my weirdest dreams was me being chased by a Hardee's Roast Beef sandwich.

3. I get angry when around shoppers at Wal-Mart.

4. My daughter's middle name is from my grandma.

5. My caffeine addiction is bad but is limited to one can of Coke per day.

6. I've never worked in retail and hope I never have to, I'd scare customers away.

7. I read alot, just not in the way of books.

8. The amount of music I have is scary, 500+ CDs and almost 15,000 individual tracks in my iTunes library.

9. My goal for 2009 is to paint the house.

10. I use humor to lighten tense moments.

11. I'm a huge multitasker.

12. I'm terrible with names. I forget people's names almost instantly.

13. My memory is terrible.

14. Tacos are where it's at. Factor in BBQ and Pizza and it's the perfect diet.

15. I suck at staying in touch with friends.

16. Shoveling the driveway is like a mini-vacation sometimes.

17. I consider myself very open-minded but am guilty of stereotyping some people.

18. I live my life with Post-It notes.

19. I have never drank coffee.

20. I want to live in the country but closer to the cities.

21. People who don't use their turn signals should be put in jail.

22. On my desk there are about 2,000 pages of software tutorials which I have completed in the past year.

23. There are four computer mice on my desk at work.

24. I secretly like winning awards. It validates my work.

25. Believe it or not, I'd rather listen than speak.

And photos are better than words which explains MinnPics.

Interesting website idea #89 - all about poo

Now that I'm done with heavy topics for the day, I can get back to what's important. Poop. More specifically - websites about poop. In this era of social networking and sharing (or oversharing) everyone has a scheme in mind. Twitter, Facebook, MySpace... each has its purpose. Then there's Flickr - it does its task - sharing photos - quite well. But Twitter and Flickr are broad websites. The future is all about niche publishing/sharing.

That's why I present you with shitter.

What the world needed was a quick-share website about all things bathroom. I can see the flood of posts now.

"Just dropped off a 14 incher. It hurt. Alot."

"Flooded the crapper in stall two, penguin walked to stall three to finish"

"Caught up on magazine reading, paint began peeling."

It's the next logical step in the sharing of every moment of our lives for all the world to read. Give shitter a home and some funding to get it off the ground. It's a surefire goldmine.

While things take a decided lowbrow turn in these parts, MinnPics continues its never-ending quest for quality photos taken in Minnesota. Check it out today.

Interesting website idea #318

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Interesting website idea #34a

Holding true to last year's summer theme of products which shouldn't have been (and thankfully aren't) I present you with company logos which are just screaming for some creative tweaking.

I'm not the first to do this to logos because I've seen some rather crude rip-offs where foreign companies change one letter and call it good. Maybe these "companies" I've created actually exist. I didn't exactly do a ton of research and feel free to take this logo and the others I have performed my own little hatchet job on and build a damn empire. Go crazy, make millions. Just remember who gave you these killer ideas.


Think of the possibilities for BoobTube. Fully clothed, topless or somewhere in between. I'm thinking a special section on this user-created video website for chest-focused mud wrestling ladies. Now BoobTube doesn't have to be an "adult" website, in fact it would have a broader appeal as a fully clothed site. BoobTube is whatever you like it to be in the end and if I have offended anyone, meh.

Remember to check out MinnPics for the latest on happenings, sites and scenes from the most kick-ass photogs in Minnesota.

Ponder this over the weekend

Are skunks offended by their own odor?

Is it like the human equivalent of body odor?

All because I saw a dead skunk on the way home last week and I don't have time to elaborate on it so talk it over amongst yourselves. I want a definitive answer by Monday.

Have you scoped out MinnPics lately? Really? You haven't? You should. It, like the rest of Minnesota, will be taking on hues of Spring in the coming weeks.

Ten gallons of snot

Let's think about snot for a moment.

Alright. Now that you're thoroughly disgusted, let's talk about snot.

Anot seems to be ever-present. Plenty of Americans blow their noses every day. I, for one, am a first-thing-in-the-morning nose blower. Then there are the occasions in which I sneeze. I always do so in series of three. If it doesn't stop at number three, it won't stop until I blow my nose and release the gallon or so of snot which has mysteriously appeared.

Which begs the question: where does that snot come from in such short order? Is my brain melting? Are my lungs slowly filling with the goo-ified toxins that surround me in my daily grind?

And just how much snot does the average person produce in a lifetime? I might be overshooting things but I'm going to say that it's in the ten-plus gallon range. Think of all the times you come down with the average cold. My old lady goes through about four boxes of Kleenexes in the duration of one cold which leads me to believe that, if she gets a cold one per year and she lives to be 85, the ten gallon mark is totally achievable. After all, that amounts to over 40,000 Kleenexes solely for cold relief with a grand total of 1,280 ounces of snot during those approximately 85 colds. That leaves us with merely .03 oz. of snot/Kleenex. Is the number anywhere close to accurate?

I encourage you to examine this for yourself and report back.

In the meantime, check out MinnPics because the photos are great and they'll stimulate your brain and likely slow snot production. A win-win for everyone.

Important things: The Tire

Not too many people think about the inner workings of their automobile as they throw the transmission into gear and depart from their driveway each day in their journey to their coal mine of choice. It might be due to modern civilization taking conveniences for granted or maybe because not too many people understand how their automobile works.

Whatever the case is, one of the more important pieces of the modern automobile (outside of the engine) are the tires. Without these magical rubber creations, your car, truck, van, SUV or lawn mower would travel on steel and that produces a rather unforgiving ride in terms of comfort. It also chews up highways and reduces fuel economy. But the tire still gets overlooked. It gets neglected because you don't check its air pressure. It wears unevenly because you're too busy with such miniscule tasks like taking care of your toddler. So the forlorn tire suffers through this neglect and it feels used.

Today's tires guide you through sunny days, rainy days, icy days and snowy days. It's alot like the mailman of your car, truck, van, semi-tractor, SUV or lawn mower. Tires aren't admired like the rest of the car. Nobody bases their purchase of a vehicle on what brand tires it's sporting. Tires are like the bottom of your shoes. You don't notice them until something goes wrong.

I will admit to cursing profusely when I encountered a flat tire on my way to the office a couple weeks back when the air temperature was -29 degrees. I then took a step back and realized that this particular tire had piloted by car for nearly 80,000 miles. I had taken it for granted up to that point but hand't neglected its maintenance.

So today, take a minute and admire the tires you own. Take your automobile through the car wash and spring for the full on tire wash treatment. Buy a can of the shiny tire cleaning foam and treat your rubber accessories to a fancy bath. Remember that tires are indeed important things.

Nobody really photographs tires unless they are attached to a shiny, chromed-out classic car but check out MinnPics because you never can tell what photos will be showcased next.